Happy Stuff

So, project Stress Less is back on track.  After Tuesday's pity party, I did get released from my Tuesday class so that I had more time to focus on next semester's new courses and the MSFS program in general.  I felt so relieved, like a huge weight was lifted.  Tomorrow that will be implemented, and I have big plans.  A big to-do list to tackle, and my first crime scene to plan.  But more importantly, 7.5 glorious hours to work with few interruptions.  Woot! I will get my Mamas and Papas station going on Pandora (guaranteed student repellent) and jam out with my incense lit.

I have found an awesome website - Elephant Journal. This site is a hippie, thought-provoking, uplifting site.  It is reader generated - anyone can submit to it.  It has a wide variety of articles on everything from food (I have to admit, I haven't been tempted by a recipe yet, but there are interesting perspectives on food), spirituality, yoga, wellness, etc. There's even a "funny" category that has some pretty hilarious articles. The site lets you read 3 articles for free, then it asks you to subscribe, which I did.  It's $13 a year.  I liked it so much I bought my sister-in-law a subscription for her birthday.  I've done a pretty good job in the last few weeks about not getting sucked into all the negative social media - this site is my antidote.  I see lots of different (admittedly, many of them liberal) perspectives on a lot of different things. Anyway, it's like mind sweet potatoes - good and good for you.

I can't wait to go camping.  Admittedly, I am nervous about the weather.  It's supposed to get up to 90, which means I might need to either spend a lot of time floating in the lake or in the car with the a/c turned on.  But the night temps look good and I can't wait.  This is also the first time we've been camping for longer than overnight.  I told Ian we needed to think about supplies and his immediate answer was "chocolate, and marshmallows, and graham crackers!" I like the way this kid thinks! It's hot this week, but I think fall weather is just around the corner. I know I'll get sick of my cool weather clothes, but right now I can't wait for sweaters, scarves, pumpkins, Halloween, and a nip in the air.

Yesterday, I got to meet some new friends.  A young lady who was just diagnosed with T1D and her mother.  It was great to meet them and I tried to give them good advice. I told them about calling the mailbox Shelby after lasering, because, let's face it, that story never gets old. I hope it was a positive experience for them.  I'm sure that right now everything is all new and I can't imagine how confusing. It's funny, I did a lot of thinking and reflecting in preparation for our meeting - what would I want to know 31 years ago? Technology has changed SO MUCH for the better.  But you know what? I spent some time thinking about whether I wish I'd never gotten diabetes or whether I'd ever spent a lot of time asking God why me.  I don't think I've ever spent any significant amount of time doing that.  I told them that having diabetes has not been the focus of my whole life (nor should it be - there's so much more to do out there than obsess over a disease), but I feel like it's part of what's made me who I am. I appreciate life.  So much.  I appreciate having my son.  I appreciate my kidneys, and my sight, and things that I don't think I would appreciate as much otherwise. I don't remember what it was like to not have this. I have AMAZING parents who let me have a very normal childhood (and special time with mom when I had a doc appointment). I have learned how to be an advocate for myself in ways I doubt I would have done without this disease. There were times in my life when I tried really hard to forget it.  But now that I'm an adult, I appreciate it. Anyway, I hope that their journey is smooth and we develop a strong friendship.  They are really neat people.

This blog post isn't horribly cohesive tonight.  I had a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head that I wanted to share. Hopefully everyone who reads has their own list of "happy stuff." If you're a bleeding heart liberal who is a wanna-be hippie, try Elephant Journal. Or light some incense and get a 60's station going on Pandora.  Either way, peace, man. :)

Holy cow, it's only Tuesday

Today was one of those days when I realized that a little preparation goes a long way.  Like, do the laundry, fold it, and put it away.  We're great at the first two, not so great at the last one, so I spent 30 minutes this morning frantically tearing the house apart looking for Ian's khaki uniform shorts (because he HAAAD to wear the blue polo, not red, not white).  I was just about to choose between non-regulation cargo shorts and his underwear, all the while thinking about enrolling him in public school so he could wear whatever the hell I could find easily in his room, when I found those stupid shorts.  I get downstairs to make his lunch and realize that his cold pack never made it into the fridge.  I improvise and put a whole bag of frozen broccoli in his lunchbox. I made him a wrap and I wrapped it in tinfoil, which later I found out was a tactical error - he didn't know what it was, didn't open it, and therefore all he ate for lunch was a few cheez-its and some cheese cubes and nuts. He thought I forgot to make him a sandwich.  And so the rest of the day went. Nothing horrible, nothing earth-shattering, just a feeling like I was on the verge of panic and 3 steps behind.  I recognized the feeling - it's how I felt all year last year.

Now, at this point, you might realize I'm whining.  Pity party of 1. There are starving people in the world, cops being shot at, racism alive and well and running for president. My morning was nothing. My day was nothing. And I'm probably going to have to reset my complaint counter.  Oh well. I learned something, which is why I'm writing.  I. ASKED. FOR. HELP. I have a student who could teach my A&P lab on Tuesdays.  One uninterrupted day (8-Senate at 3:30) could mean that I'd have one day a week to get a lot done. I'd still teach on Thursdays. I actually asked for that.  We'll see what the chair and the lab coordinator say - the student was fine with it.

Now, all this enlightenment didn't happen fast.  I came home in a rotten mood.  I wasn't angry, I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad - I was stressed. I scanned Facebook and saw tons of like and share posts about kids with cancer, dead military, and other such chipper topics that should have made me feel like a horrible human being for not being the happiest person on the planet. And all day, I'd been thinking about asking for that time reassignment and talking myself out of it.  That I should suck it up. It wasn't that bad.  This is just a bad week - I have 2 parts of an article and 2 reviews due this week.  But tonight, I sent that email.  So we'll see about the outcome, but I'm happy that I recognized what was going on. And finally realized that I'm not superwoman and that I'm done trying to be.

So tonight we folded laundry. We even separated his uniforms from his regular clothes. He is buying his lunch tomorrow because they are serving spaghetti and he's been looking forward to it all week. And I am going to bed and I will read the 4 court cases I'm discussing tomorrow afternoon tomorrow morning, along with the other stuff on my to-do list. Tonight I'm going to meditate, shut off my brain, and go to sleep.  And while I'm meditating, I'm going to be grateful. Grateful that I have a husband who didn't know Ashley Madison existed. For a son. For being able to have the luxury of choosing between private school and public school, even if it does mean uniforms. And for my biggest work problems revolving around fitting stuff in and not dealing with discrimination, or hateful coworkers, or a micromanaging boss. And I'll go to bed kinda proud, that I asked for help because I would rather admit that I can't do it all well than feel like I'm disappointing everyone all of the time trying to do it all.

One Week Down

Wow - what a week! Dave started his second week of the new year, I started my first week, and Ian started kindergarten!

If you recall or read last week's post, I said that this year I would keep my sanity.  After I posted that, I looked back through the blog and realized that I have written something similar every August that the blog has been in existence.  And for a second, the negativity started - why was this year going to be any different? You say the same thing every year - less stress, more enjoyment, blah, blah, blah.  You'll be a fruitcake by October like you always are.  And then, I told myself to SHUT UP. This year will be different.  It takes hitting rock bottom to realize that you have choices about certain things.  And this year, I will keep that promise to myself and my family to choose sanity.  To choose balance. I think part of what will remind me to do that is to check in weekly. Maybe here, maybe just in my head, but changing some pretty ingrained habits is hard, even when it's for the better. Work and taking on too much and stress is as addictive as alcohol or gambling in the academic world.  It's such a badge of honor in this industry (and many others) to be able to brag about how much you work. So, like a recovering heroin addict, I'm still on methadone and I need to check in with my sponsor every once in awhile.. :)  Anyway...enough rambling.

IAN STARTED KINDERGARTEN!

He was so excited.  I was excited for him. I thought about him all day - was he having fun? Was he paying attention? Did he like his classmates? Did he like his teacher? Could he tuck his shirt in after using the bathroom (we need to practice that one more)? I think most parents have a "favorite age" and I have realized that the older he gets, the more I like parenting.  And this is a really fun age.  So was 4, and 3 wasn't too bad.  But 5 is FUN.  We have the best conversations, he's really into Halloween and is already coming up with ways to make our house "smookier" and has already decided on costumes for himself, me (a mummy), and Dave (Frankenstein). He has the best imagination and sense of humor and he's genuinely my little buddy.  We still have our moments (and it's like arguing with myself in a mirror - he's got the same stubborn personality that I do).  I've also finally stopped being jealous of bigger families. A wise friend who has been in the same situation we were in (a second pregnancy wasn't possible for medical reasons) said once that the anger and loss that you feel in that situation isn't as much about not being able to have another child (though that's part of it), but it's that the choice was taken away from you.  Very, very true. But I think that I've finally accepted that our little family is just what was intended. Maybe we'll adopt later, maybe we won't.  Right now, I'm happy and appreciative of what we have.  But so far, kindergarten is going well.  Mommy just needs to realize that he will have homework (oops) and we'll be fine.  So awesome when you don't have your homework on the third day of school and your parents are teachers. Sorry, Mrs. G!

The MSFS program has officially started, and we have a fantastic group of students.  I really couldn't be happier with our inaugural class.  This is definitely an area where it's easy to get overwhelmed, and where I went wrong last year.  Recruiting, marketing, thinking about the next class, the budget, the curriculum, possible electives, exit exams, research projects.  I get hives if I think about it in totality.  So I don't.  I have started keeping a good old-fashioned notepad by my desk and whenever I think about things I need to take care of, I write it down. I think a lot of my stress and anxiety last year was a constant fear that I was forgetting something.  I still have that fear, but it's not as bad now. Because, nobody has ever died from an academic emergency.  So, one week in, no one's quit, and I haven't cried once - we're good! :)

I've been meditating every night before I go to bed.  I belong to myyogaonline.com and it's great.  I have never seriously meditated and used visualization before, but I'll tell you what, I think it helps. I am sleeping better and wake up calmer.  I've been working through some blood sugar issues lately, so I haven't started back to yoga or swimming yet, but that is the next step. Now, as for my no-complaints challenge, I'm back on day 3.  I had to restart on Wednesday because I went to a friend's office and flat out complained after a faculty meeting.  It was one of those situations where I knew I couldn't hold it in, so I might as well let it all out and restart.  But I'd made it 4 days before that, and it has been interesting.  If you acknowledge a negative feeling and even if you say it out loud in a non-complaining way, it really does force you to look at why you feel that way, which is actually useful.  I have felt more positive this week than I did any of last year, and even when I'm not radiating happiness and sunshine, acknowledging how I really feel and looking at why I feel that way instead of whining is pretty good.         

I'm also super excited.  For the first time since my first year here, Dave and I are taking Labor Day weekend off!  Yes, that's right, we are going to have fun, and to actually enjoy the holiday!  We are going camping.  We have a reservation, the housesitter is booked, and in two weeks we will be canoeing, making campfires, roasting marshmallows, and pretending we're homeless.  It's going to be awesome! I'm still trying to get Dave to bring our hammock and stand, but he says it won't fit in the car with all of the other crap we take.  I say, he teaches physics - figure it out.  We'll see who wins.  But either way, I'm super excited.

I think that recaps the week. So far, so good. I'm going to remember that Ian has homework, not to stress too much, and not to make cauliflower chowder - that was a bad idea. Live and learn. :)

New Year, New Attitude

Bitter. Used. Exhausted. Spent. Underpaid. Negative.

Not pretty words.  Not pretty feelings, but that's how I felt in May of last year.  I had just spent an academic year working, on average, 60-80 hour workweeks. For a period of 9 months, family time was relegated to that time when I wasn't working. Now, all this work had a purpose. I was on 5 search committees for new faculty. I think those are important choices, and I was happy that I was able to have a strong voice in choosing future colleagues. I was recruiting, marketing, and organizing the forensic science program.  I'd say that's pretty important. I taught my students and did research, which is the core of my job, the thing that I'm paid to do. And I got accolades and kudos. And pats on the back. But was I happy? Not exactly.

I was happy at home.  My husband was working like a demon too, being a first year chem and physics teacher.  But he loves his job, and after a long struggle to find his work home, I was thrilled, even if it meant long hours. Ian is a joy. He's funny, sarcastic, and articulate. He's not perfect (who is?), but he's pretty dang fun to be around.

So, all of last year, I felt like there were two mes. Work me, mom and wife me.  But there was no ME me. I didn't take care of myself mentally. I don't like to be a Debbie Downer, so I internalized a lot of my stress. And what did that get me? Gastritis. Insomnia. Stress eating. Drinking enough caffeine to kill a horse to do more work (ok, maybe a teeny exaggeration).  I stopped going to church almost all together.  I avoided calling my mom and my long distance friends because I didn't want the conversation to be a litany of complaints. And yeah, I accomplished a lot, but at what cost?

I have decided things need to change.  I need a new mantra.  And my new mantra is, "Nobody has EVER died from an academic emergency."  My students and my work will get a lot of attention - in a healthy, sane way. Not in a soul-sucking way. If I'm a happier, more balanced person, then I will focus better at work and be a better worker. Will my responsibilities at work lessen this year? Probably not. Will I care about my work any less? Probably not. What I can and will change, is my attitude and how I react.  So, it's easy to say "I'll change," but I'm a person who needs a plan.  This is my plan:

 - If it's not my circus and not my monkeys, let it go.  I cared WAY too much about other people's business (both at work and not) and things at work that I couldn't change. Way too much mental energy wasted there. No more.

- Don't complain. It's so easy to bitch. And it feels good in the moment - to vent all of your frustrations to a sympathetic ear (especially over alcohol), but it was rarely cathartic. Most of the time, I felt more hopeless afterward than when I started.

- I matter too. My first priorities will always be my family and my career (in that order), but I need to matter to me. I'm going back to church. I'm starting to meditate. I will do exercise that makes me happy (yoga and swimming) and not give a crap about how many 5ks or half marathons my friends can run, except to be happy for them that they can do that.

- Focus at work. Email will stop being obsessed over - I am turning off my notifications and checking it 3 times a day.  Work on one task at a time. Last year I did not know how and couldn't focus. I went to a conference this year that called a new ADD drug "the professor's best friend." AND I WAS SITTING THERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET SOME! That's ridiculous.  I don't have ADD - I just need to focus.

- Be in the moment. Applies to home and work. I'm tired of multitasking. When Ian asks me to color with him, that's what I'm going to do. Not color and mentally plan tomorrow. Not color and fret about how much I need to do after he goes to bed.  I'm going to color (badly) with my kid.

- Keep focusing on the positive.  I do this a lot anyway, but I'm adding something else - no complaining. I can observe something, I can feel the feelings, but no more needless criticism and whining.

So that's it. I don't know that this process will be easy, but I am sure that I will be a more productive and far happier person for it. And I'm putting my plan out there, because I want people to hold me accountable.  If I'm complaining all the time, call me on it.  If I withdraw from everybody, call me on it. If you see me at work at 5am on a Saturday, ask me why I'm there (and then I'll ask you why you're there) and what is more important that breakfast with my family on a Saturday.   Oh yeah, and I'm going to try to start blogging again. Read it, don't read it. Honestly, this blog is not really about writing for other people - it's my stream of consciousness that happens to be on the internets.

Here's to a happier, healthier new year.