"God, these portions are HUGE!"
"I shouldn't eat this."
"Well, I've been good all day, so I guess I can have this."
"There have got to be a million calories in this."
"Good thing I went to the gym today."
Any of these phrases sound familiar? All of these phrases sound familiar? I know I've said them before, and I've heard a lot of my friends say them too. But what if we never thought this way again? What if we were kinder to ourselves, and ate what we really wanted to eat without guilt? What if we exercised because it was an activity we loved, not one we felt obligated to do? What if we took a walk for the sake of taking a walk - not to see how many miles we could get in, or how fast we could go, but just to enjoy being outside? Would we all be a little less stressed?
As part of my "keep my sanity" way of thinking, I have started to practice these philosophies. I don't think I've ever felt freer. I'm not talking about sloth. I'm not talking about gluttony, or eating nothing but McDonald's, or eating until you're ready to puke. I've figured out that eating certain things make me feel good. I've started eating a mainly vegetarian diet. I say mainly because when I'm home, that's what makes me feel good, but if we're on vacation (I'll get to applying this philosophy in Jamaica in a minute) or at someone's house, I'm not going to be a pain in the butt. I don't have an allergy, I am choosing this. So, if my Mom made roast beef for Christmas dinner, I'm certainly going to dive in and I will not eat Christmas tofu. But when I'm home, doing my own cooking, it does mean that I'll make BBQ lentils (they really are good), rather than using boston butt. It makes me feel good. Having to think outside the usual meals has made me think harder about what's for dinner. Because a lot of recipes are based on pantry items, I can ask what I'm in the mood for that night, keeping in mind that Dave gets a vote too. Then when I'm eating, whether it's a healthy choice or a not-so-healthy choice, I don't over-analyze it. I don't measure portions, but I also eat until I'm satisfied, not until I'm stuffed. Besides, try a vegetarian diet for a few days and OD on lentils and veggies - your digestive system will let you know you overdid it! But I've noticed that I enjoy food more with this new way of thinking. I don't feel bad about my choices.
We went to Jamaica last week. It was our first time at an all-inclusive resort. It was amazing. We both love food, and we both view food as a part of the vacation experience. We ate 5 course meals almost every night. They took 2 hours. I tried foods that I never would normally eat. There were more than a couple of times that I did overeat, like, we had to go to the room to digest before we continued our strenuous day of laying on the beach. A few years ago, I would have worried about how to lose the weight when I got home. Heck, 3 months ago I would have worried about it. Now, though, when we got home, I was more than ready to get back to normal eating. We had our vacation. We enjoyed the hell out of it. But really, I did notice a difference. So I went back to more intuitive eating and I'm already feeling less sluggish. And my body will right itself eventually. No problem, mon. Side note - I didn't act like I didn't have diabetes. THat's a whole 'nother thing. I was still very vigilent about my bloodsugars, although I did ditch Bob for a week because, where DO you keep your non-waterproof insulin pump in Jamaica? I did shots and fingersticks - kickin' it old school.
Anyway, I came to this realization about 3 months ago. I spent 6 months working out with a trainer. Obsessing about how many workouts I got in per week. What was my mileage on the bike? My swims? How many reps? I did weight watchers. I measured everything. Keep in mind that I didn't think I looked all that bad to begin with, I just didn't like the number that showed up when I weighed myself. So guess what happened? I gained 5 pounds. And that's when it hit me. My numbers were fabulous in every other aspect of my health - A1c, kidney function, blood pressure, cholesterol. I was fit. But I was so upset over the 5 pounds. Then, I realized that I could eat well without measuring and without guilt and stress and workout doing something I actually wanted to do and I would look just as good doing something that made me happy. And every once in a while, if I went out with friends and didn't order the healthiest thing on the menu, I wasn't going to comment on how huge the portion was or how much I needed to work out - I would eat until I was satisfied and enjoy every bite. And I HATE running. So guess what? I don't run. The next time I get in a pool and I am bound and determined to enjoy myself instead of obsessing about my MPH, my lap times, and everything else that I used to obsess about.
Finally, I've accepted my body. I thought I was fat in high school. I thought I was fat in college. I did some extraordinarily STUPID things to lose a lot of weight for my wedding. I have refused to be in pictures because I didn't like the way I look. But when we were packing for Jamaica, I put on all my bathing suits, trying to decide which ones to pack. And I almost cried. Because I thought, genuinely, that I look good. I have had a belly my entire life. Now I have a bigger belly from having a kid. I have 6 scars on it from 2 surgeries. Oh well, I'm over it. I'm not perfect, but I realized that I'm not nearly as hideous as I'd spent the last 20 years thinking that I was.
So, this has been a rambling piece. If you've stayed with me this far, I guess my message is this. Love yourself. Love yourself enough to eat what is going to make you healthy and what will make you feel good and yes, what will give you pleasure. Part of the reason I'm not vegan is that I tried soy cheese. I love myself too much to eat soy cheese. It's nasty. Love yourself enough to exercise doing something that you love, not something that you feel like you should do for an amount of time that you feel that you should do it. And choose the path of happiness and optimism whenever possible. Because life's too short to be miserable. :) And when all else fails, there's wine. Lots and lots of wine.
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