Keeping the Sunshine

If you asked me if I liked summer 6 years ago, I'd have said no. It's hot in the summer.  That summer of 2012 was hot, and we had a two year old, and I had a husband working the evening shift at a job he hated.  So I got to go to work each day teaching my summer class and doing research, then I got to go home and enjoy being a single parent.  It wasn't fun.

I still think summer is hot.  Growing up in Florida, you didn't need a degree in meteorology to predict the weather - it was going to be hot and humid, and then in the afternoon, it was probably going to rain.  But not a cooling rain - just enough rain to make the pavement steam and make the humidity worse.  To me, summer meant no school, but it also meant bugs, and sweat.  Midwest summers are kind of like opening a grab bag every year.  Will it be hot for months or will it be pretty nice with only a week or so in the 90's? Will we have rain or will there be water worries?

Since my husband started teaching high school, summer has taken on a whole new meaning.  Before you say that it's because we're both teachers and we are enjoying the summer off, let me tell you that every person who says that to me gets mentally punched in the face.  Neither of us has ever taken a summer off.  But, we work less.  We eat dinner later.  And with Ian getting older, we are finding a new freedom that hadn't existed.  Or, I think it existed before we had Ian, but we didn't appreciate it.  It's having sandwiches for dinner and popsicles for dessert.  It's making a spontaneous trip to the pool or the lake (we're on a beach-finding mission this summer).  It's letting Ian stay up until 11pm because the outdoor movie showing in the park didn't start until 9:30 because it's light out until then.  And it's going to bed when we're tired and waking up with the sun, not an alarm clock.  So yeah, I think summer is pretty awesome now.

Last summer, I started mourning summer in late July.  I knew that the days of Dave getting home right before we needed to do something because he was held up by a student needing help were coming.  Of me being late because one of my students needed something, or faculty meeting, or one meeting that bled into another.  Of eating dinner when we weren't really hungry because there was soccer or Scouts to get to.  Of homework and bedtime and making sure that everything was ready for the next day because if it wasn't the morning would be crazy.  Of days where we went to work, came home, and went to work again.

And it's starting earlier now.  It's mid-June and already I'm so in love with our schedule and our way of life (ok, but not the heat - this 100 degree weather can GO AWAY!) that I don't want to give it up in August. So I'm desperately trying to figure out how to keep it.  Or maybe how to keep some of it.  I have some ideas, but keeping a blender in my desk for a pina colada between classes doesn't seem practical. I think this is where my work on myself is going.

I am working on focusing on one thing at a time so that maybe if I get more done at work, I can just BE at home.  Last year, for the sake of my stomach (and bouts of gastritis in recent years) and my sanity, I'd stopped working late at night.  It wasn't efficient - my brain shuts off on complex tasks - but the MENTAL real estate  that work thoughts took up was still tiring and sometimes overwhelming.  The last few weeks I've been working on not just mono-tasking, but mono-thinking.  Like meditation, but I'm not sitting in a lotus position all the time.  I try to focus mentally on whatever I'm doing, whether that's work or leisure, and to actively try to redirect my brain if I notice myself getting distracted.  Like the dog in Up, my brain was really getting to the point where some days all I did was yell "Squirrel" every 5 seconds.  This is definitely a work in progress, but it's getting easier.  I'm hoping that this means that if I stop working at the end of the day that I'm more present with Ian and Dave and not physically there and mentally a million miles away.

The thing that I want to think about the rest of the summer is how to not lose the sense of fun and spontaneity in the busyness and endless to-do lists of the regular year.  To live on island time, year round.  It might not happen this year or the next or the next, but I think that it's a goal worth pursuing. And it won't get me fired like day drinking probably would.

Controlling Pavlov

Or Pavlovian responses, anyway.  If you don't believe that those experiments with the dogs proved anything, just try to only look at your email 3 times a day.  Almost everyone is conditioned these days - if a message pops up, you must answer it! Now!  I ran into this on Monday.  Yes, that was day 2 of mono-tasking.

I made my 3 goals.  I did my morning email check.  And then I ran into tasks that required me to dig through my email.  And...I couldn't ignore the new messages!  I couldn't just search for what I needed.  The new messages were there, taunting me.  Telling me that I was going to be perceived as a summer slacker if I didn't respond.  So I told myself that I'd just respond the once to the messages that I had.  But then, the sender was on their email and responded before I finished.  And then the new quandary - they KNOW I'm on my computer - do I answer? Would it be rude not to?  You see where this is going, right? Yes, I accomplished my goals, but I kept returning to my damned email.  And a couple of times, I caught myself surfing as if I were truly at a designated time.  But I did stop myself on that until I'd finished as much as I wanted to on a task (my Monday goals are a little longer term, but I still wanted to make progress on all of them).

How did I do yesterday? A bit better.  I realized that even though I'd done things on Monday, I was definitely not as relaxed as I'd been on Thursday.  Today I had 1 specific thing that I wanted to finish completely.  It didn't require the internet, just powerpoint, so it was pretty easy to stick to the "no email, no surfing" rule in the morning.  I finished the project without losing focus, which was nice.  Then I felt slightly guilty when I checked my email at 1 to realize that someone had needed something at 9am (after I'd checked my email for the morning).  Then I realized - I felt guilty for making someone wait 4 hours for my response.  4 hours. Clearly, I have issues.

But I have to say, that certain things are getting easier.  I might have interspersed work with email (task switching) on Monday, but I'm getting pretty good at not trying to focus on 2 things at once.  When I'm helping Ian practice piano, I'm really in the moment - not checking my email, surfing Facebook, or playing on my phone the way I used to do.  This morning, I decided to start on my main task before I took Ian to swim camp then do yoga, then work on the task until it was finished.  I managed to focus and meditate during yoga, but it was much harder than the mornings where I got out of bed and did it first thing. I was almost 15 minutes in before my mind stopped wandering back to my task in between wondering if trying to become more flexible, literally and figuratively, was wise.

So I'm still a work in progress and I'm sure it's going to get harder when things ramp up in the fall.  I have found that, much like sitting in a Krispy Kreme shop with the "Hot Now" sign flashing, I have virtually no self control.  So before you start thinking that I sound holier-than-thou about all this, please realize that my methods are akin to moving to a place where the nearest Krispy Kreme is at least an hour away (hi Emporia).  I didn't check my phone while Ian played piano today because I had to leave it in another room - otherwise I'd look while he was tackling Take Me Out to the Ballgame for the 100th time.  I open a different window of Safari and don't open my email accounts when I'm working on something else because I don't have the self control not to check if I just open another tab.  I moved my email, FB, and Snapchat apps to the 3rd screen on my phone so they aren't taunting me with notifications every time I glance at my phone.

Now I just need to work on my email guilt.  That might just be harder than limiting my checking...

Day One of Monotasking - Do They Make a Patch for Facebook?

So when last I wrote, I talked about the little changes I was making to stop task switching when I could help it.  And, eager to get started, I embarked on work last Thursday with enthusiasm.  I was going to mono-task the shit out of Thursday!

What I Tried To Do

1. Email checks only 3 times a day - once when I got to work, once at lunch, once before I went home, and once before bed.  Ok, that's 4, but only 3 times during the workday.

2. Any non-task related internet was a no-go during non-email break times.  So, I could look up something specific if it helped me with what I was going (for example, logging into a mutual fund account while I was working on taxes for a society that I'm treasurer of), but no Facebook, no people.com, no blogs, no Elephant Journal (dang I love that site), unless it was during one of my email breaks.

3. If I got interrupted by someone, I stopped whatever I was doing to focus solely on that person.  No glancing at my computer, no reading an email.  

4. I listed this last, but it might have been the most important thing - I made a list of 3 main tasks.  I read an article somewhere in all my reading on the multitasking topic that was genius.  So genius that I can't remember the link to the article.  Anyway, it recommended that you make a list (preferably even the night before) of 3 things you want to accomplish that day.  That's it.  No matter how big your to-do list is.  The article explained that it would focus you and if you got distracted by other things, it reminded you that you had 3 things that you'd identified as the most important things that needed to get done. I actually did 3 main goals and 3 gravy goals - things that would be nice if they also got done.  During the day, I noticed that I would be reminded of other things that I needed to do (usually through email).  I wrote these at the bottom of the page.  That way I didn't have to let them distract me from the main 3 goals, but hopefully I won't forget them either.

Did It Work?

YES! I was successful at most of the things - I did take a FB break between the morning and lunch, but that was it.  I got all 3 main goals done and 1 gravy goal, and these weren't small main goals - I had listed that I wanted to design and record lectures for 2 topics in my class and to get together all of the tax materials for the society.  The tax thing took me 3.5 hours and I worked straight through that.  Now, again, I realize that Thursday was also kind of an ideal day for this - I was motivated and there's virtually no one around.  But I did have 2 phone conversations and an in-person conversation and I didn't check my email or mess with other things the way that I normally do - I listened!

At the end of the day, I felt like I'd gotten things done and I was relaxed.  So I'd say that's a win.  It will be interesting to see what happens when things get more hectic.  i don't want this post to come off as Pollyanna or preachy.  I fully understand that I'm in supper utopia right now.  But I am hoping that some of these changes will stick most of the time even during the regular semester.

Oh, and I'm trying not to multitask at home too. Mono-tasking FTW!

Three years, different person, and my newfound hatred of multitasking

I spent some time rereading some of my old blog posts recently.  First of all, the last time I blogged was fall 2015.  I am surprised, and I'm not surprised.  The last three (academic) years of my life have been a rollercoaster.  I have wanted to quit.  I have wished a million and one times that I'd never created the program that I've started.  I've been scared, proud, defeated, ecstatic, angry, sad, satisfied, and elated.  Just like having a child, I had absolutely no idea what I was in for.  I survived the first class of our program, I enjoyed the second, and now we're halfway through the third.  And I think that I've become a different person in some respects. Maybe that's the program, maybe that's getting older - who knows.  Either way, it's not a bad thing.

This past year, I taught a double teaching load both semesters and mentored quite a few research students as well as running the program.  I thought I'd managed everything pretty well (I didn't hit the 80+ hour workweeks I had in early 2016 which pretty much cost me my sanity, and the lab didn't burn down), but I really felt burnt out by the end of spring.  Like I just had no craps to give any more.  I felt like things had been accomplished, but I was perpetually stressed because all I did was juggle.  And I felt that I hadn't done any of it very well.

After the end of spring semester, I was able to work at a quieter pace, mostly from my home office.  I could focus! No one was popping in to talk, ask a question, ask me to solve a problem, etc. (Now, I love my students and I love my colleagues, but have you ever had a day where it felt like all you did was answer questions and solve problems and at the end of the day you were still left with the same pile of work that you started with? Yeah, there were a lot of those days.) I felt like no one task or person got my full attention. And while stuff got done, I felt like my days of eating lunch while prepping for a class while answering some email with a student in my office at the same time were not sustainable.  I wanted to give someone asking a question my full attention. I wanted to focus on 1 problem at a time. This really hit home for me this week when, after a few weeks of working peacefully, I had 4 groups of people who all needed things seemingly at the same time.  I realized then that I wasn't willing to go back to the craziness.

I actually started out googling articles on multitasking - I was looking for ways to do it better.  After all, isn't it all about multitasking? Having it all? Being able to do it all and make it look effortless?  But I found article after article on how multitasking reduces productivity (by up to 40%, according to one article), lowers IQ, increases, stress, etc.  What??? Isn't this supposed to be the goal of every professional?  One article described it as task-switching - doing one thing for 5 minutes, being interrupted by something, going back, etc.  It takes the brain time to refocus, and according to some, our brains just aren't built for that, no matter how much we want them to be.

Why Multitasking Is Bad for You

The True Cost of Multi-tasking

And this post describes a simple test that you can do on yourself if you're not convinced.

Now, I know.  It's summer.  I don't have very many students, phone calls, classes, etc all needing stuff.  But I thought, what if I implement some practices this summer in hopes that at least some habits will stick around during the academic year? So, I tried it yesterday.  After reading several more articles with helpful suggestions, I challenged myself to go to work and try unitasking.  Even just saying it felt like I was stepping back.  Like I was admitting multitasking defeat.  And maybe I am.  But you know what? I did some very simple things and IT WORKED!  I was more productive.  Less stressed.  And not one person that I explained it to at work thought I was crazy.  Ok, that was all of 2 people, but they were both my bosses, so that counts, right?

I'll tell you what I did in a followup post.  I haven't posted in almost three years - I don't want to spill every detail in one post.  It's good to be back. :)

Real Food

I've always been the last one to jump on a trend. Food isn't any different. Last year, I started out the year cooking all of our food from scratch.  That lasted until almost Thanksgiving, when I gave up the ghost and started making processed food. So, I'm no stranger to cooking from scratch, but even then, I didn't make a huge effort to avoid certain things.  I figured that just the fact that things weren't coming out of a box was good enough.  And on the one hand, it was, at least I think so.

So about 6 weeks ago, I decided to overhaul our eating habits.  I wanted to start menu planning and cooking from scratch again, but this time it started because I started reading the website 100 Days of Real Food.  Now, on that website, they are STRICT about it. All organic, no processed food, only eating in restaurants that follow this, if they do buy processed food it has less than 5 ingredients, and no fried food.  I didn't think being that strict was doable for us, but I thought that we could incorporate some of the ideas.  For the first time in my life, I am buying organic food if I can. Even meat, for the most part, is coming from an actual butcher that has a local farm.  I'm trying to buy fewer processed things.  We've almost completely stopped eating chips, and our frequency of eating out has greatly decreased.

One thing I love is that this idea isn't about giving up whole food groups at all.  Gluten, dairy, fats, carbs, proteins, etc - all on the table, often in delicious combos. The thing we've cut way back on is preservatives.  No diet food. No frankenfood approximations of real food. Fewer sodas (although I just can't totally quit Diet Coke, I have cut way down).

So, it's been 6 weeks - how's it going?

Pros

- The food is GOOD.  Ok, there have been a few regrettable recipes. But that's all part of experimentation. Dave and I think our tastebuds have been reprogrammed a little, in a good way.  McDonald's is still consumed if it just isn't practical to do anything else, but it doesn't taste nearly as good as it used to. A lot of packaged food - I bought a frozen dinner for lunch on Saturday - it wasn't nearly as good as it would have been 6 months ago.
- I'm not eliminating anything. I make it using minimally processed ingredients. Most of the time, the real food is more filling, so we eat less of it.
- If I do make something decadent, I make it decadent. If you're going to have chocolate pudding, I don't make the low fat sugar free stuff out of the box. I make a cooked, from scratch, use the dark chocolate version.  And I eat 1/2 the amount I would have eaten from the boxed stuff because it's a lot richer.

Cons
 - It's somewhat time-consuming. I cook for most of the day on Sunday.  This makes all of our breakfasts and dinners for the week. I wouldn't have time to make almost everything from scratch any other way.
- It is more expensive, sorta. My grocery bill is higher. On the other hand, we waste FAR less food than we used to and we eat out less, so I think it balances out for the most part. Still, cost is a factor, so I'm not saying this is totally feasible for everyone.

So, this isn't meant to be preachy.  We are far from perfect.  There are a couple of things that I cannot make better than the processed version, so I don't try.  One thing is salad dressing.  I LOVE ranch dressing.  I have started buying the kind that at least is found in the refrigerator section and has more real ingredients.  I also don't want to take the time to make homemade chicken tenders in the quantity that we consume them. In fact, I did try to make a batch one time. It took a long time and in the end, Ian refused to eat them. So, all of our other chicken dishes are homemade, but not the breaded tenders. Oh well.

And that is what's been going on in the Bailey kitchen right now. Halloween was fabulous and Thanksgiving is coming.  Temps are falling and my sanity is still intact!  You guys, I've never had my sanity this far into the fall semester in recent memory!! Maybe I'll make some Pioneer Woman chocolate pudding to celebrate. :)

Mackinac Island

This is going up a little late, but I wanted to share my experience at Mackinac Island. I had never heard of the place prior to June. Growing up in Florida on the Gulf Coast, I didn't exactly research beach vacations in Michigan. But MAFS was there this year, so 10 students and I DROVE 18 hours each way.  So yeah, that's 36 hours in a van to attend a conference for 48 hours. We won't discuss how awesome being trapped in a van for that long is.  Suffice it to say, it's as awesome as you're imagining right now.

Anyway, Mackinac. There are no cars on the island.  Ok, there are 5 motorized emergency vehicles. Seriously, that's it.  You have to take a ferry over, and you leave your car, and the 21st century, on the mainland. Our luggage was taken to the hotel on a horse-drawn luggage cart attached to the "shuttle." Everyone on the island either bikes, walks, or takes a taxi of the horse-drawn kind. The houses on the waterfront look like life-sized versions of the houses you'd expect to see on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.  I expected Lady Elaine to come around the corner at any moment. There are tons and tons of flowers on the island - all planted seemingly for "tourist season."  Now, in Florida, tourist season starts around spring break and continues until Labor Day, at least.  The tourist season here is mid-late June until mid-August. The whole island is only inhabited year-round by about 500 people - everyone else leaves at the beginning of November and comes back in the middle of May. A lot of the laborers are from the islands - like Jamaica - and live on or near the properties they work on. I posted a lot of pics on Facebook, so look there if you want to see the island. But suffice it to say, it's a little unreal.

I spent a lot of time wondering what the hell the permanent residents do the rest of the year. There are many (and a somewhat surprising number of) restaurants, shops, bars, and inns on the island. Do they make all their money for the year and then hibernate? I have no idea. The idea is kind of appealing though - work like mad for about 5 months, relax for 7. Admittedly, the relaxation is probably under a lot of snow.

I actually liked it so much that I'm going to try to go back for my 40th birthday next year. Originally, I was thinking of a very different island - maybe Jamaica again, maybe St. Croix, maybe something entirely new, like St. Martin.  The last time Dave and I went on vacation was to Jamaica.  I tend to gravitate toward the islands I think because they feel so remote. I relax more because it doesn't feel like anything I do in real life. That and beautiful beaches and amazing cultures. I kinda thought that if we went somewhere in the States that it would feel too normal. But Mackinac is truly another world. I liked the resort I stayed at a lot - Mission Point Resort, but I did a little checking and I think we're going to shoot for the Grand Hotel. It's been in operation since 1887. It's actually all-inclusive, which is pretty cool, and it sounds like we'll be going back to the 1920's. Like, afternoon tea, 5-course dinners, bocce ball or croquet on the lawn, and dancing to a live orchestra every evening. I think it sounds pretty amazing. Guess I'm going to have to polish my dancing shoes...

Facebook - Love It, Hate It, Use it.

First of all, let me say that I'm writing this post as a way to get a lot off my chest. If you think it's about you, maybe it is and maybe it isn't. It's not about attacking anything or anyone, it's just my feels at 7am and my stream of consciousness.

I was going to post about Mackinac Island, and I will, but I wanted to post about this first. Recently, one of my favorite people decided that they couldn't handle Facebook any more - too many sad stories, too much politics, etc. Some of my other friends have noticeably declined in their use as well over the years, whether that's due to privacy concerns, being careful because of jobs, or just getting tired of it. The favorite person who dropped off Facebook also recently told me that they were having more email, text, and phone calls with people, and that it was great and that Facebook wasn't missed at all.  I'm really happy for the people that they are reaching out to and making the effort to keep in touch with (I'm not one of them, unless I initiate the conversation first).

Here's the thing about Facebook: love it or hate it, for me it's a way to keep in touch pretty easily. I know lots of people that are all like, "I don't give a crap what you ate for breakfast."  I get it.  I have friends that post about every workout, about every accomplishment that their kid has and how much earlier they did that than your kid, about the gourmet dinner that they made. I have friends with whom I heartily disagree on matters of religion and politics. But I feel connected to them. I have friends from all over the country and some in other countries. Yeah, maybe posts about breakfast or dinner are mundane, but at least I know one more thing about that person than I did before I looked at Facebook.  Because let me ask you, exactly how many people really keep in touch in ways other than social media? I'm just as guilty.  I call one person multiple times a week - my mom. Maybe I should reach out more in more old-fashioned ways, but I feel like I share a lot on Facebook, certainly the best parts of my days, and that goes to 90% of my friends, if they choose to look. Social media makes it feel a little bit more that relationships aren't one-sided.  A little less like you're always the one initiating, or always waiting for that phone call.

I was approaching a point this summer when I thought about leaving social media. Political posts, guilting posts (you clearly don't care enough about X,Y,Z), just all the negativity got to me. But then I made a conscious effort not to get sucked in. I quit clicking on posts that I knew would only upset me. It's social media, not earth-shattering news. And my feed did change. There are some of those posts that pop up regularly, but mostly it's more updates on friends' lives, kids, pets, funny stories, and it's a happier place to be.  And I do enjoy some of the stuff that pisses me off.  I have some friends from high school that are very right wing, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm a flaming liberal. But I like some of their posts, and I even comment sometimes, because I enjoy a good intellectual debate sometimes. I have colleagues - people that work in the same relatively small university as me - who I feel that I know so much better because of what they post on Facebook. Maybe I should have lunch with them more often, or maybe I should go sit in their office, but honestly, time gets in the way sometimes. So I enjoy "getting to know them" in a different way.

I get sick of people blaming our breakdown of society on social media.  Yeah, it can be frustrating, but I'm sure people said that when the telephone was invented that letter writing would go out the window. Communication methods change.

I guess I'll stop ranting now and get off my soapbox. I leave you with this - don't be stupid about Facebook or other social media - no drunken half naked pictures of yourself, please. But quit being so skeptical. Tell me how your day was, what's on your mind, to pray for your grandma, or just what you had for breakfast. Put on your tinfoil hat and get out there, people!

One week in a capsule

This post is about the capsule wardrobe concept.  I figured one week in, I'd review it and tell you what I've learned so far, and what I've liked and not liked.

The concept: You get 37 items in your capsule for 3 months, including shoes and accessories. You don't have to count underwear, workout wear, or stuff you don't leave the house in.

My version - I have around 39 pieces. It's a big transition time here in Kansas and we've had temperature spans of 40 degrees in the past week, which really sucks for trying to narrow down your options. I counted 3 sweaters in there, but in the next 3 months, I will probably have to hit my sweater stash hard.  At that point, I'll put away my lighter clothes. Also, I didn't count tank tops or leggings, since I wear those under other things. And I did limit my shoes, but not my jewelry or scarves. In the strictest versions, 33 or 37 or whatever is it, including jewelry.

On cleaning out your closet: You are supposed to take out every piece of clothing and every pair of shoes out, lay it out, and sort it into donate/sell, maybe/off-season, and capsule piles.

My version: I actually did this. I have 2 large trash bags bound for Goodwill. It was actually easy, once I faced up to my packrat tendencies.  One thing that drew me to this concept was the reality check that was supposed to come with it.  You aren't going to wear that "someday." You bought the blouse a year ago, and you hate it, get rid of it. Someone else will love it.  Stop hanging on to the shirt/jeans/shorts that haven't fit in forever. It was kinda cathartic, actually. I also liked that there was a maybe pile. I don't want to get rid of everything! I have 2 maybe piles - a summer/spring and a winter.  We have seasons here, what can I say.

Things I've learned so far: I have a crap-ton of black clothing. I made fun of New Yorkers all the time when I lived there, but apparently now I dress like a native. So, right now, my options are limited.  With the weather in the high 80's last week and only about 1/3 of my 39 pieces suitable for hot weather, I felt very limited. And I'm feeling like I wear the same things over and over. But this week I'm headed to MI with highs in the 60's, so I am excited to really bust out some more interesting stuff.

What it's done for me so far: It hasn't magically made me more stylish.  I haven't woken up and exclaimed that I have found a whole new way to pair that shirt with those pants. It has made me realize that I have a ton of black and that I take the concept of basic tops to a whole new level. So, that's useful - the next time I go shopping, I'm going to look outside my comfort zone! Add a little color to my shirts.  Maybe try a pattern - who knows? I'll be a wild woman. I do think packing for the MI trip will take me 10 minutes.  It's also really made me think about shopping and what I'd buy if I did go in a much more conscientious way.

Overall: I think right now there are more plusses than minuses, but I have to say, I"m ready for the weather to cool off so I can bust out the fall shoes, the sweaters, the scarves. I'll check in when the weather changes and let you know. :) In the meantime, I will wear my black t-shirts, my black dresses, my black tanks, and embrace my inner Morticia.

New Projects and 337

Dave and I have owned 4 houses together.  Out of all of them, this is the one that feels permanent.  Like we'll be here in 5 years, or 10, or 40.  The last house was amazing and we loved it, but it started to feel small pretty soon after we had Ian (tiny person = so.much.stuff. Our houses in Alabama always felt temporary - probably because I was in grad school for most of living in them and we didn't know where the next move would take us.   But this house is big, it's old, it has character, and it's in a great neighborhood.  And we have no plans to move, have more kids, buy a combine (Ian wanted one last year and said we could keep it in the back yard), or get a pony.  So we are working on the house, not with the intention of sprucing it up to sell, but for us.  Oh, and we're doing the floors because our dogs are jerks and some of them mark in the spots that Shelby and Dolly had accidents.

So this weekend we tackled the dining room.  I'm assuming the only people who read this blog are also my friends on FB, so you can see pics there, but needless to say, I'm pretty thrilled and proud of us!! Out of the 3 houses we've lived in with hardwood floors, these are the nicest by far.  I can't wait to tackle the living room and sunroom. One room a weekend, though.  :)

My other project is my closet and wardrobe.  I'm going to simplify a little bit and become a nudist.  Just kidding - ain't nobody want to see that. I'm going to try building a Capsule Wardrobe.  I got the idea from a blog I read.  Here's a great blog about it The 333 Project.  There are slight variations - the blog I was first reading about it on uses 37 pieces of clothing.  So you dump your whole wardrobe on your bed and sort it into  "Love", "Maybe", and "Donate" piles.   The love pile is stuff that you absolutely love, fits well, and is in good shape.  If something is in the love pile, but is worn out, you can replace it.  The maybe pile is stuff that you're not sure you want to get rid of - off-season clothing, sentimental stuff, things that you think you might wear again, and then the donate pile is stuff that you won't miss and don't wear.

So, for a 3 month period of time, you get to choose 33 (or 37) pieces.  That includes shoes, and accessories.  It is supposed to include jewelry (not sure if I can do that - might have to ease into that one)! It doesn't include workout clothes (that you only work out in), at-home loungewear, sleepwear, and socks and underwear.  The concept behind is that most of us own so much that we have a hard time deciding what to wear and that having fewer pieces that all go together will make us more creative, stylish, and less consumed with having stuff.  If you know me AT ALL, you know that I'm not a minimalist.  I'm not a hoarder, but I am a firm believer in "someday, sometime" when I will certainly need that item I gave to Goodwill or sold at a yard sale.  I am going to try this because a) I can still keep stuff - I just get it out of sight for awhile to see if I truly want it b) I am horrible about keeping stuff that doesn't quite fit, but almost fits, or I really hate the way that it fits but I can't give it away because I haven't worn it to death and c) I kind of am trying to figure out my own style when it comes to clothing.  I'm in a job where the only requirement is that I come to work clothed.  It's great and not great because there's so much freedom.  I also like this idea because it works for people who live in a schizophrenic, multi-season climate.  I was told when I moved here, "If you don't like the weather, wait 5 minutes." And it's so true.  Mom and I were just talking about how warm October was last year - right up until Halloween night where Ian had to trick-or-treat wearing snow pants under his costume.  Right now is a transition time - it's blistering hot this weekend - might snow in two weeks.  So I like that I will choose a few transitional pieces for my capsule for the next 3 months, and if I goof up, I just go to the attic and trade some stuff out.

I'll update later on what I choose.  I haven't gone through the wardrobe yet.  I have been thinking a lot about investing more into my wardrobe and spending more for quality as I replace things.  For instance, I normally shop at Target and Old Navy.  Nothing wrong with that, but I shop there sometimes purely because they're cheap.  For things like jeans, I think I'm going to try a custom online service.  For $30-40 at ON, I can get jeans that mostly, sorta fit.  For $60, I can get jeans that are custom made for me.  Pretty cool.  But I'll still shop at the cheap places - I've gotten some great stuff there too, like my go-to LBD that really can be worn to work or a wedding.  We'll see how it goes. :)

So that's just a little bit of what I've been up to this weekend.  I hope you're having a great Labor Day weekend, whether that involves a BBQ or scrubbing floors.

Happy Stuff

So, project Stress Less is back on track.  After Tuesday's pity party, I did get released from my Tuesday class so that I had more time to focus on next semester's new courses and the MSFS program in general.  I felt so relieved, like a huge weight was lifted.  Tomorrow that will be implemented, and I have big plans.  A big to-do list to tackle, and my first crime scene to plan.  But more importantly, 7.5 glorious hours to work with few interruptions.  Woot! I will get my Mamas and Papas station going on Pandora (guaranteed student repellent) and jam out with my incense lit.

I have found an awesome website - Elephant Journal. This site is a hippie, thought-provoking, uplifting site.  It is reader generated - anyone can submit to it.  It has a wide variety of articles on everything from food (I have to admit, I haven't been tempted by a recipe yet, but there are interesting perspectives on food), spirituality, yoga, wellness, etc. There's even a "funny" category that has some pretty hilarious articles. The site lets you read 3 articles for free, then it asks you to subscribe, which I did.  It's $13 a year.  I liked it so much I bought my sister-in-law a subscription for her birthday.  I've done a pretty good job in the last few weeks about not getting sucked into all the negative social media - this site is my antidote.  I see lots of different (admittedly, many of them liberal) perspectives on a lot of different things. Anyway, it's like mind sweet potatoes - good and good for you.

I can't wait to go camping.  Admittedly, I am nervous about the weather.  It's supposed to get up to 90, which means I might need to either spend a lot of time floating in the lake or in the car with the a/c turned on.  But the night temps look good and I can't wait.  This is also the first time we've been camping for longer than overnight.  I told Ian we needed to think about supplies and his immediate answer was "chocolate, and marshmallows, and graham crackers!" I like the way this kid thinks! It's hot this week, but I think fall weather is just around the corner. I know I'll get sick of my cool weather clothes, but right now I can't wait for sweaters, scarves, pumpkins, Halloween, and a nip in the air.

Yesterday, I got to meet some new friends.  A young lady who was just diagnosed with T1D and her mother.  It was great to meet them and I tried to give them good advice. I told them about calling the mailbox Shelby after lasering, because, let's face it, that story never gets old. I hope it was a positive experience for them.  I'm sure that right now everything is all new and I can't imagine how confusing. It's funny, I did a lot of thinking and reflecting in preparation for our meeting - what would I want to know 31 years ago? Technology has changed SO MUCH for the better.  But you know what? I spent some time thinking about whether I wish I'd never gotten diabetes or whether I'd ever spent a lot of time asking God why me.  I don't think I've ever spent any significant amount of time doing that.  I told them that having diabetes has not been the focus of my whole life (nor should it be - there's so much more to do out there than obsess over a disease), but I feel like it's part of what's made me who I am. I appreciate life.  So much.  I appreciate having my son.  I appreciate my kidneys, and my sight, and things that I don't think I would appreciate as much otherwise. I don't remember what it was like to not have this. I have AMAZING parents who let me have a very normal childhood (and special time with mom when I had a doc appointment). I have learned how to be an advocate for myself in ways I doubt I would have done without this disease. There were times in my life when I tried really hard to forget it.  But now that I'm an adult, I appreciate it. Anyway, I hope that their journey is smooth and we develop a strong friendship.  They are really neat people.

This blog post isn't horribly cohesive tonight.  I had a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head that I wanted to share. Hopefully everyone who reads has their own list of "happy stuff." If you're a bleeding heart liberal who is a wanna-be hippie, try Elephant Journal. Or light some incense and get a 60's station going on Pandora.  Either way, peace, man. :)

Holy cow, it's only Tuesday

Today was one of those days when I realized that a little preparation goes a long way.  Like, do the laundry, fold it, and put it away.  We're great at the first two, not so great at the last one, so I spent 30 minutes this morning frantically tearing the house apart looking for Ian's khaki uniform shorts (because he HAAAD to wear the blue polo, not red, not white).  I was just about to choose between non-regulation cargo shorts and his underwear, all the while thinking about enrolling him in public school so he could wear whatever the hell I could find easily in his room, when I found those stupid shorts.  I get downstairs to make his lunch and realize that his cold pack never made it into the fridge.  I improvise and put a whole bag of frozen broccoli in his lunchbox. I made him a wrap and I wrapped it in tinfoil, which later I found out was a tactical error - he didn't know what it was, didn't open it, and therefore all he ate for lunch was a few cheez-its and some cheese cubes and nuts. He thought I forgot to make him a sandwich.  And so the rest of the day went. Nothing horrible, nothing earth-shattering, just a feeling like I was on the verge of panic and 3 steps behind.  I recognized the feeling - it's how I felt all year last year.

Now, at this point, you might realize I'm whining.  Pity party of 1. There are starving people in the world, cops being shot at, racism alive and well and running for president. My morning was nothing. My day was nothing. And I'm probably going to have to reset my complaint counter.  Oh well. I learned something, which is why I'm writing.  I. ASKED. FOR. HELP. I have a student who could teach my A&P lab on Tuesdays.  One uninterrupted day (8-Senate at 3:30) could mean that I'd have one day a week to get a lot done. I'd still teach on Thursdays. I actually asked for that.  We'll see what the chair and the lab coordinator say - the student was fine with it.

Now, all this enlightenment didn't happen fast.  I came home in a rotten mood.  I wasn't angry, I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad - I was stressed. I scanned Facebook and saw tons of like and share posts about kids with cancer, dead military, and other such chipper topics that should have made me feel like a horrible human being for not being the happiest person on the planet. And all day, I'd been thinking about asking for that time reassignment and talking myself out of it.  That I should suck it up. It wasn't that bad.  This is just a bad week - I have 2 parts of an article and 2 reviews due this week.  But tonight, I sent that email.  So we'll see about the outcome, but I'm happy that I recognized what was going on. And finally realized that I'm not superwoman and that I'm done trying to be.

So tonight we folded laundry. We even separated his uniforms from his regular clothes. He is buying his lunch tomorrow because they are serving spaghetti and he's been looking forward to it all week. And I am going to bed and I will read the 4 court cases I'm discussing tomorrow afternoon tomorrow morning, along with the other stuff on my to-do list. Tonight I'm going to meditate, shut off my brain, and go to sleep.  And while I'm meditating, I'm going to be grateful. Grateful that I have a husband who didn't know Ashley Madison existed. For a son. For being able to have the luxury of choosing between private school and public school, even if it does mean uniforms. And for my biggest work problems revolving around fitting stuff in and not dealing with discrimination, or hateful coworkers, or a micromanaging boss. And I'll go to bed kinda proud, that I asked for help because I would rather admit that I can't do it all well than feel like I'm disappointing everyone all of the time trying to do it all.

One Week Down

Wow - what a week! Dave started his second week of the new year, I started my first week, and Ian started kindergarten!

If you recall or read last week's post, I said that this year I would keep my sanity.  After I posted that, I looked back through the blog and realized that I have written something similar every August that the blog has been in existence.  And for a second, the negativity started - why was this year going to be any different? You say the same thing every year - less stress, more enjoyment, blah, blah, blah.  You'll be a fruitcake by October like you always are.  And then, I told myself to SHUT UP. This year will be different.  It takes hitting rock bottom to realize that you have choices about certain things.  And this year, I will keep that promise to myself and my family to choose sanity.  To choose balance. I think part of what will remind me to do that is to check in weekly. Maybe here, maybe just in my head, but changing some pretty ingrained habits is hard, even when it's for the better. Work and taking on too much and stress is as addictive as alcohol or gambling in the academic world.  It's such a badge of honor in this industry (and many others) to be able to brag about how much you work. So, like a recovering heroin addict, I'm still on methadone and I need to check in with my sponsor every once in awhile.. :)  Anyway...enough rambling.

IAN STARTED KINDERGARTEN!

He was so excited.  I was excited for him. I thought about him all day - was he having fun? Was he paying attention? Did he like his classmates? Did he like his teacher? Could he tuck his shirt in after using the bathroom (we need to practice that one more)? I think most parents have a "favorite age" and I have realized that the older he gets, the more I like parenting.  And this is a really fun age.  So was 4, and 3 wasn't too bad.  But 5 is FUN.  We have the best conversations, he's really into Halloween and is already coming up with ways to make our house "smookier" and has already decided on costumes for himself, me (a mummy), and Dave (Frankenstein). He has the best imagination and sense of humor and he's genuinely my little buddy.  We still have our moments (and it's like arguing with myself in a mirror - he's got the same stubborn personality that I do).  I've also finally stopped being jealous of bigger families. A wise friend who has been in the same situation we were in (a second pregnancy wasn't possible for medical reasons) said once that the anger and loss that you feel in that situation isn't as much about not being able to have another child (though that's part of it), but it's that the choice was taken away from you.  Very, very true. But I think that I've finally accepted that our little family is just what was intended. Maybe we'll adopt later, maybe we won't.  Right now, I'm happy and appreciative of what we have.  But so far, kindergarten is going well.  Mommy just needs to realize that he will have homework (oops) and we'll be fine.  So awesome when you don't have your homework on the third day of school and your parents are teachers. Sorry, Mrs. G!

The MSFS program has officially started, and we have a fantastic group of students.  I really couldn't be happier with our inaugural class.  This is definitely an area where it's easy to get overwhelmed, and where I went wrong last year.  Recruiting, marketing, thinking about the next class, the budget, the curriculum, possible electives, exit exams, research projects.  I get hives if I think about it in totality.  So I don't.  I have started keeping a good old-fashioned notepad by my desk and whenever I think about things I need to take care of, I write it down. I think a lot of my stress and anxiety last year was a constant fear that I was forgetting something.  I still have that fear, but it's not as bad now. Because, nobody has ever died from an academic emergency.  So, one week in, no one's quit, and I haven't cried once - we're good! :)

I've been meditating every night before I go to bed.  I belong to myyogaonline.com and it's great.  I have never seriously meditated and used visualization before, but I'll tell you what, I think it helps. I am sleeping better and wake up calmer.  I've been working through some blood sugar issues lately, so I haven't started back to yoga or swimming yet, but that is the next step. Now, as for my no-complaints challenge, I'm back on day 3.  I had to restart on Wednesday because I went to a friend's office and flat out complained after a faculty meeting.  It was one of those situations where I knew I couldn't hold it in, so I might as well let it all out and restart.  But I'd made it 4 days before that, and it has been interesting.  If you acknowledge a negative feeling and even if you say it out loud in a non-complaining way, it really does force you to look at why you feel that way, which is actually useful.  I have felt more positive this week than I did any of last year, and even when I'm not radiating happiness and sunshine, acknowledging how I really feel and looking at why I feel that way instead of whining is pretty good.         

I'm also super excited.  For the first time since my first year here, Dave and I are taking Labor Day weekend off!  Yes, that's right, we are going to have fun, and to actually enjoy the holiday!  We are going camping.  We have a reservation, the housesitter is booked, and in two weeks we will be canoeing, making campfires, roasting marshmallows, and pretending we're homeless.  It's going to be awesome! I'm still trying to get Dave to bring our hammock and stand, but he says it won't fit in the car with all of the other crap we take.  I say, he teaches physics - figure it out.  We'll see who wins.  But either way, I'm super excited.

I think that recaps the week. So far, so good. I'm going to remember that Ian has homework, not to stress too much, and not to make cauliflower chowder - that was a bad idea. Live and learn. :)

New Year, New Attitude

Bitter. Used. Exhausted. Spent. Underpaid. Negative.

Not pretty words.  Not pretty feelings, but that's how I felt in May of last year.  I had just spent an academic year working, on average, 60-80 hour workweeks. For a period of 9 months, family time was relegated to that time when I wasn't working. Now, all this work had a purpose. I was on 5 search committees for new faculty. I think those are important choices, and I was happy that I was able to have a strong voice in choosing future colleagues. I was recruiting, marketing, and organizing the forensic science program.  I'd say that's pretty important. I taught my students and did research, which is the core of my job, the thing that I'm paid to do. And I got accolades and kudos. And pats on the back. But was I happy? Not exactly.

I was happy at home.  My husband was working like a demon too, being a first year chem and physics teacher.  But he loves his job, and after a long struggle to find his work home, I was thrilled, even if it meant long hours. Ian is a joy. He's funny, sarcastic, and articulate. He's not perfect (who is?), but he's pretty dang fun to be around.

So, all of last year, I felt like there were two mes. Work me, mom and wife me.  But there was no ME me. I didn't take care of myself mentally. I don't like to be a Debbie Downer, so I internalized a lot of my stress. And what did that get me? Gastritis. Insomnia. Stress eating. Drinking enough caffeine to kill a horse to do more work (ok, maybe a teeny exaggeration).  I stopped going to church almost all together.  I avoided calling my mom and my long distance friends because I didn't want the conversation to be a litany of complaints. And yeah, I accomplished a lot, but at what cost?

I have decided things need to change.  I need a new mantra.  And my new mantra is, "Nobody has EVER died from an academic emergency."  My students and my work will get a lot of attention - in a healthy, sane way. Not in a soul-sucking way. If I'm a happier, more balanced person, then I will focus better at work and be a better worker. Will my responsibilities at work lessen this year? Probably not. Will I care about my work any less? Probably not. What I can and will change, is my attitude and how I react.  So, it's easy to say "I'll change," but I'm a person who needs a plan.  This is my plan:

 - If it's not my circus and not my monkeys, let it go.  I cared WAY too much about other people's business (both at work and not) and things at work that I couldn't change. Way too much mental energy wasted there. No more.

- Don't complain. It's so easy to bitch. And it feels good in the moment - to vent all of your frustrations to a sympathetic ear (especially over alcohol), but it was rarely cathartic. Most of the time, I felt more hopeless afterward than when I started.

- I matter too. My first priorities will always be my family and my career (in that order), but I need to matter to me. I'm going back to church. I'm starting to meditate. I will do exercise that makes me happy (yoga and swimming) and not give a crap about how many 5ks or half marathons my friends can run, except to be happy for them that they can do that.

- Focus at work. Email will stop being obsessed over - I am turning off my notifications and checking it 3 times a day.  Work on one task at a time. Last year I did not know how and couldn't focus. I went to a conference this year that called a new ADD drug "the professor's best friend." AND I WAS SITTING THERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET SOME! That's ridiculous.  I don't have ADD - I just need to focus.

- Be in the moment. Applies to home and work. I'm tired of multitasking. When Ian asks me to color with him, that's what I'm going to do. Not color and mentally plan tomorrow. Not color and fret about how much I need to do after he goes to bed.  I'm going to color (badly) with my kid.

- Keep focusing on the positive.  I do this a lot anyway, but I'm adding something else - no complaining. I can observe something, I can feel the feelings, but no more needless criticism and whining.

So that's it. I don't know that this process will be easy, but I am sure that I will be a more productive and far happier person for it. And I'm putting my plan out there, because I want people to hold me accountable.  If I'm complaining all the time, call me on it.  If I withdraw from everybody, call me on it. If you see me at work at 5am on a Saturday, ask me why I'm there (and then I'll ask you why you're there) and what is more important that breakfast with my family on a Saturday.   Oh yeah, and I'm going to try to start blogging again. Read it, don't read it. Honestly, this blog is not really about writing for other people - it's my stream of consciousness that happens to be on the internets.

Here's to a happier, healthier new year.

Simply Complicated.

It is October 6th as I write this post (and October 10th as I finish it!).  Part of why I've been remiss about blogging is that I was at a loss about what to say.  But apparently, right now I'm chock full of ideas, so I thought I'd share.

It's almost midterm.  I am starting to enter the realm of losing my grip on my sanity.  It's that point where, despite my best effots and intentions at the beginning of the semester, I'm working later, more weekends, and ditching exercise in favor of more work.  Or more sleep.  Or 10 minutes on the couch. To put it in perspective though, I'm losing my grip a lot later than I did last year.  I think I startted last fall with NO grip.  So taking 8 weeks to lose my zen isn't too bad.

But, I don't want to lose my zen.  And that's when decided that I was going to take on a project of sorts for the rest of the semester.  You can join me too, if you want.  I'm going to simplify my life.  This is a big undertaking for me.  I'm not simple.  I like tech toys, I love email, I love facebook, I love condiments, I love STUFF.  But I'm going to try.  Now, I have had periods where I do a massive closet clean.  I've given every pair of shoes to Goodwill that I haven't worn in a while before.  I've gotten rid of this and that, particularly with clothes.  Guess what?  Almost every time, it's come back to bite me.  My MIL loves this kind of stuff.  She's forever cleaning her FB friends list, advising people to get rid of things, and advocating cleaning out closets.  So while her advice regarding decluttering normally would fall right in line, I just can't do it.  I gave away a pair of knee-high boots that I hadn't worn in forever.  Some time later, I bought a cute knee length dress to wear to a Christmas party that everyone agreed would look great with boots.  I realized the night of the party that I didn't actually own knee boots any more.  Oops.  I discovered this week that I wanted to give my maternity sweaters to my SIL.  Except that in a fit of closet cleaning, I gave them to Goodwill, sure that no one would ever need them, especially me.  So, I'm not sure that getting rid of stuff entirely will happen, but we'll see.  After all, you never know when you might need a maternity sweater or a great pair of boots.

So, if I'm going to tackle this, let's start with #1 on the list - eat simple.  This week has been the WORST nutritionally speaking, since grad school, my written comps, and Kevin's and my afternoon of scientific doughnuts.  I hosted a dinner for our seminar speaker last night.  Monday night I got home around midnight.  I had to work Tuesday and Wednesday, so every second I wasn't at work, I was cooking like a demon and cleaning my house (the dinner was great, BTW).  Yesterday, I literally forgot to eat breakfast (I NEVER forget to eat!!), then because I needed my lunch hour to finish cleaning, I ate a cheese stick and a packet of Emerald Breakfast to Go, or as I told a friend "pea gravel."  I guess that's simple, but I'm pretty sure that's not what the author of that post had in mind.  Oh yeah, dinner the night before was simple too - Ian refused to eat what I fixed him and we wound up sampling cookie dough, some cream cheese frosting, and a homemade roll.  Again, simple, but not good.

So, my take on simple is that I'm going to try to serve fewer courses during meals.  A lot of side dishes have enough protein without adding another protein (like mac and cheese if you make it with cottage cheese instead of butter) or veggies can have lentils or beans added for protein without having a whole separate dish.  Like I said, this is my take.  A lot of people would view simple eating as eating without a lot of condiments and sauces, but honestly, I view food as a substrate for condiments.  I LOVE spices.  So, I'm simplifying my meals to have fewer components, but those components won't necessarily be simpler in flavor - see what I mean by simply complicated?

My hope is that every few days or at least once a week, I'll give you an update on what I'm up to with this project.  I'm sure some things on the list will be easier than others.  I have made progress on one thing already - I'm going to bike simple.  I took off my clipless pedals and took my mom's advice.  She told me that I wasn't coordinated enough for them.  She's probably right - moms simply are most of the time.

The Great Outdoors, by the Queen of the Indoors

The semester is well underway, and blogging has become harder. Mostly because I am completely brain dead by the time I sit down to try and write something.  Oh well, it happens.   We have done some fun things lately, camping probably being the most fun.

I had never been camping prior to last April.  My family wasn't really into the great outdoors.  My parents tried to burn some trash one time and burnt down a 6 acre pasture and part of the neighbors yards, so I also have an aversion to purposely starting fires.  Besides, in Florida, there are two main weather conditions - hot and muggy, and slightly less hot but still muggy.  And there are bugs - tons of them.  So growing up, I wasn't too sorry that we didn't camp.  We had some really great family vacations involving hotels, and that was just fine with me, but in kansas, the weather is much more suited to getting outside. There is, by and large, much less humidity, and there are an amazing number of state parks, with a surprising amount of water for a land-locked state.  Our first trip was to Fredonia. W didn't bring enough firewood or enough charcoal, we didn't bring enough blankets to sleep in 50 degree weather comfortably, and it was so windy that I thought the tent would blow over, but I loved it. Ian loved it too, proclaiming, "My sleep good in a tent!" the next morning. We cooked hotdogs for dinner that night, and even though it was really chilly the next morning, we made eggs and bacon over the fire for breakfast. It was peaceful out there, and so relaxing to sit in front of the fire, staring at the moonlit lake that night while Ian slept in the tent.

A couple of weekends ago, we went to Tuttle Creek. It's actually an enormous lake in Manhattan (Kansas, not New York). This time we had sleeping bags, tons of charcoal, and plenty of firewood. We also brought Ian's fishing pole, his bike, and his football.  Thank God we only have one kid - if we had two someone would've had to ride on top of the car. It was a great day and great evening. We are getting better at fire building and outdoor cooking. And again, the relaxed feeling from sitting around the fire lasted all week. I can't wait to go again.

My brother and sister bought me a sleeping bag for my birthday. My birthday is in May, and I thought that we'd go camping to celebrate it, but it was 30 degrees that weekend. So I just got to use it on this trip.  Being a camping newbie, I picked out the bag partly based on color. I mean, priorities people - it is a pretty bag!  It was a mummy bag, and I thought that since I froze the last time, this would be perfect. And it would have been, except I panic if my head is surrounded, don't  like my arms trapped, and sleep on my side. So you know, I figured out quickly that I am not a mummy bag person, even if is a pretty one.  I'm going to let Ian use it - I am not 4ft tall nor do I weight 100lbs, which are the approximate size suggestions for it.  I'm going to get the same type of bag, only rectangular though - it kept me very warm and comfy.  So, the queen of the indoors loves camping - who knew?  I still don't like bugs, ticks, spiders, snakes, and being too hot, but a game of football with my guys (Ian always wins) beside a lake with a fire afterwards is pretty amazing.

Yoga - deep thoughts while being a pretzel

After I got the all-clear for exercise last January, I decided that I was going to pursue healthy living on a whole other level.  A cancer scare will do that to you.  I started exercising again.  Not that I never exercised before, it's just that, like most of us, it was the first thing to go when the going got too busy.  I have a job, a husband, and a child.  I will take spending more time with the husband and the child over running around the block any day, so if I couldn't fit in the workouts during my lunch time or during nap time on the weekend, I didn't do it.  And when the semester picked up steam, lunchtime swims became a thing of the past.

So, in January, like an alcoholic finding sobriety again after falling off the wagon, I started exercising again.  I told the wonderful student trainer, Taylor, that I worked with that I wanted to lose weight and be able to run a 5k.  I guess I thought that if I told someone who is a runner that I wanted to run a 5k, that I'd just magically be able to do that. So Taylor put together a plan and we got together twice a week.  She was really creative, and the sessions involved tons of cardio.  I realized about halfway through that I. HATE. RUNNING.  Like, I'll do it if someone was chasing me with a taser.  I am the friend you want to be with in the woods if a bear attacked us because I'm so slow and would definitely get eaten while you run to safety.  I sound like an 80 year old with emphysema.

So I switched gears and had read about a neat fitness goal of completing an ironman or half-ironman, but taking a month to do it.  Taylor was on board, and we came up with a plan.  And then I ran out of time - literally.  If your running is at best a 15 minute mile and you're supposed to run 4 miles in 1 workout and then do biking and some strength, there's no way you can do that in a reasonable amount of time.  So there went that idea.   I got new bike gear for my birthday - clipless pedals and the shoes that went with them.  The first ride I had, I fell and hit my arm so badly that I couldn't move it more than 10 degrees and my arm was so swollen that even the x-rays weren't clear.  It took 3 weeks before I had full range of motion.  I had 2 successful rides, then wiped out and screwed up my knee so badly that my kneecap was pushed out of place from all the swelling.  Even my mother said "honey, you're not coordinated enough to ride a bike." Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom.  Did I mention that she and Dad came home from my first dance recital and asked if I wanted to take piano lessons?  Let's just say that I play the piano beautifully now and cannot do a grande jete.  This summer I was a single mom in the evenings because the hubs had to work second shift.  So after working a full day at school and then coming home to an energetic toddler, exercise wasn't my main priority.

There was an ugly side to my exercise odyssey too.  I would get incredibly stressed out if I missed a workout.  I worked out when I went to my friend Kelli's wedding.  Doing crap I didn't even enjoy doing in a hot, sweaty, tiny hotel gym, just to get a workout in.  Mentally, this obsession wasn't doing me any good.

So at the end of the summer, a few weeks before Jamaica, I took a good look at the fall.  It's busy, to say the least.  I wanted an activity that would help me stress less, not more, and that I could do at night after Ian went to bed, in the privacy of my own house, rain or shine.  I also realized that my joints were so stiff and my muscles so tight that I looked and felt like a geriatric.  Yoga it is.  I'd taken yoga classes before that were challenging mainly because they were painful.  If you're stiff, it hurts to sit cross-legged.  Or to attempt a backbend.  I found My Yoga Online and it's amazing.  If you want to try it, email me.  If I (or any other member) refers you, you get 2 weeks free.  It's yoga on demand.  There are hundreds of classes, and you can sort by style, teacher, time, level, etc.  David Magone is probably my favorite and I had never wound up in a hot, sweaty, breathing-hard mess from yoga before his classes.  I mean, yoga is exercise, really?  My first thought was "is this enough?  Shouldn't I also be running, biking, swimming, etc?"  Then I thought "exactly how many people who do a lot of yoga do you know that are out of shape?"  The teachers at the local yoga studio in Emporia are in amazing shape.  (BTW, the classes at that studio are wonderful, but don't fit my schedule.)  So now I have an activity that I try to do 4 or 5 times a week.  I pick different classes depending on how sore I am.  More importantly to me, I pick classes on what I want to get from the class.  Do I want to work on flexibility? Strength? Cardio? Mental stuff?  Do I have a lot of energy?  Is my back killing me?  I do it after Ian goes to bed.

So, if you've stuck with me so far, I'll explain the title of this post.  David Magone (and a lot of the teachers) give you something to think about either at the beginning or the end of a session.  I was a hot mess after one of his classes, and the meditation for the day was about focusing more on your inward identity than your outward identity, because things that form your outward identity can change, creating a real identity crisis, but the stuff on the inside, who you really are, is the same no matter what.  I identify myself SO MUCH by outward stuff.  I am a professor.  I'm a wife.  Now I'm a mom.  I'm going to try this week to work on my inward identity - I am an optimist.  I try to be kind (I need to work harder on this).  I want to be less judgmental.  I want to be more patient. If I keep working on these things, it can only enhance the outward things.  And maybe it will make attempting a headstand easier. :)  Namaste.

Vegans, vegetarians, and omnivores - can't we all just get along?

The Atkins Diet.  South Beach.  Low fat.  Low carb.  Glycemic Index.  Eating for your bloodtype. Diet is a four-letter word for sure.  And last week, I saw an article posted by a friend - Why the Vegan Diet Sucks.  I read the article and I agreed with some of it.  Then, just for the sake of argument, I googled vegetarian support or something like that and found all the pro-veggie sites.  I was shocked.  Not because there aren't any, but because there's so much...passion is one word, militant craziness is another..out there.

The vegan-diet-sucks (VDS) article talks about how vegans are malnourished, that being vegan isn't any healthier than any other way of eating, etc.  And that vegans use fear-mongering to convert people. Just as an aside, I'm not vegan.  I love eggs and cheese and while I don't eat those foods in every meal, I do eat them daily and I don't think, from a diet perspective, that there's anything wrong with that. I also follow a vegetarian diet about 95-98% of the time, but I'm not perfect.  Pigs are still dying in my name because I'm sorry, bacon is delicious.  Anyway, on to addressing the article.  Vegans are malnourished.  Yes, it's hard to get certain vitamins - B12 for one - from an all plant diet.  But how many of us are malnourished from the eating practices we currently have?  A lot.  Particularly if your diet, like my former one, was meat and starch heavy and veggie light.  How many of us can say that we get every recommended serving of fruits and vegetables every day that we're supposed to have and get every nutrient and vitamin that we need in recommended amounts every day without use of a multivitamin?  Some people, yes, but not the majority.  So, pot, meet kettle.  Vegans probably lack in some areas, but so do omnivores.

Veggie diets aren't healthier or better for you than any other diet.  The article says that the health benefits can't be assigned to diet because eating this way encourages you to also skip processed foods and sugar and to start exercising.  Oh the horror!  I think that everyone, whether you give up meat or not, can exercise and give up processed foods.  I have noticed, in my own life, that eating vegetarian has made me think outside the box and has forced me to make and try things that I normally wouldn't.  I am BAD about getting stuck in food ruts.  When I decided to try vegetarianism, I told myself that this was NOT going to mean that all I ate was pasta, potatoes, and cheese.  That I would learn to eat and love beans, lentils, and vegetables outside of broccoli, peas, and corn.  And it's working!  I've made some pretty incredible dinners out of stuff that I NEVER thought I'd eat.  So, in my own life, I'd say that it's made me a much healthier eater.  Not a perfect one, but I have cut down my fast food consumption considerably (no options besides meatless salad and french fries) and we're eating more fruits and veggies than we ever have.  Exercise is for another post.  I'll also note two observations from my own experience - a meal based on whole grains and beans or lentils and veggies is FILLING.  The other thing is that I can eat until I'm satisfied and I don't feel disgustingly full much more easily than I could when I was eating differently.

The fear-mongering.  Ok, they have a point there.  WHen I looked up pro-veggie sites, most of them were, um, enthusiastic about veganism.  A lot that I found, thought vegetarians were too liberal.  Almost all of it was animal-rights based.  There's nothing wrong with loving animals.  I can't afford to buy all my meat humanely raised, organic, with smiley chickens.  So we bought regular chicken.  We are lucky enough to be able to get beef from an actual farm, not Tyson, so that's a little better anyway.  I was a little surprised that most of the sites weren't of the mindset that any reduction of animal consumption is good.  To me, telling someone that reducing their meat consumption even if they aren't vegan is a step in the right direction for many reasons.  But most of them definitely took the tone of "eat any animal and you're total scum."  I think there's no need for that.  If you want to convince people to do what you're doing, don't use fear tactics or the "you're a horrible person if you don't do X" argument.

So, bottom line?  A diet used to mean a style of eating.  Now we view them as these things we do to lose weight, and that's where the thinking needs to change.  I didn't go veggie necessarily to lose weight.  I actually started with it because of a summer class I taught, did more research and found out that a plant-based diet is better for your kidneys (animal protein is harder on them and you tend to eat way more protein than you actually need on an animal diet), and most of all, I just feel good.  Also, I have eaten meat over the last couple of months occasionally.  And meat just doesn't do that much for me.  A good loaf of sourdough bread is very pleasurable.  Meat just isn't for me - I realized I liked the condiments more than the flesh., so it's not a huge deal most of the time.  For others, eating meat is pleasurable.  So do what makes you happy in the healthiest way possible.  Eat meat, don't eat meat, just don't bash the other side.  Visualize whirled peas. :)

Brain Dump

I couldn't really think of a good theme for this post, so I thought I'd just give you a brain dump - all the stuff that's been floating around my head lately.  Here goes...

1) The attitude shift is working!  Last year, I distinctly remember starting the semester by asking how long it would be until Christmas.  I was so burnt out.  I wasn't excited about anything, and I was tired before it started.  This semester, I have the same load I usually carry in the fall, but I have tox (new), over 80 people in A&P (new at ESU), I go up for tenure (where have the last 5 years gone?), and I have the data for 4 papers, 2 that just need a little more work, 1 started, and 1 that hasn't started.  That's a new problem to have too.  But a good one.  I give all the credit to my fabulous students.  Without them, I would literally be not sitting on so much data.  But, I'm excited!  I know it's going to be a tiring semester, but so far so good.  Yes, I realize that it's one week in.  But really, I'm better than I was last year in terms of attitude.

2) My ribs feel good enough to start back with yoga!  I'm so excited about this.  I joined myyogaonline.com and it's fabulous.  You can watch any video you want and filter by style, teacher, level, etc.  Tonight, I did a "de-stress" class.  Except then I realized that the instructor wanted me to do a half-backbend.  My spine doesn't move like that, so I just watched her, which was less stressful than trying the move.

3) Big Mac died.  RIP, Big Mac.  You were a wonderful computer.  We'll have to think carefully about your replacement.  It was a great 8 years.

4) Water volleyball is really fun.  It's also darn good exercise if you have a 32lb 3-year-old that wants to play too and makes you lift him over your head so he can throw the volleyball over the net.

5) I made ficken (fake chicken) salad today for lunch and it was delicious my grad students liked it!  I used mashed chickpeas.  Who knew you could eat those things in more than hummus?

Ok, enough brain dump.  I'll be back with more rambling later in the week.  You stay classy. :)

All you need is (self) love...

"God, these portions are HUGE!"

"I shouldn't eat this."

"Well, I've been good all day, so I guess I can have this."

"There have got to be a million calories in this."

"Good thing I went to the gym today."

Any of these phrases sound familiar?  All of these phrases sound familiar?  I know I've said them before, and I've heard a lot of my friends say them too.  But what if we never thought this way again?  What if we were kinder to ourselves, and ate what we really wanted to eat without guilt?  What if we exercised because it was an activity we loved, not one we felt obligated to do?  What if we took a walk for the sake of taking a walk - not to see how many miles we could get in, or how fast we could go, but just to enjoy being outside? Would we all be a little less stressed?

As part of my "keep my sanity" way of thinking, I have started to practice these philosophies.  I don't think I've ever felt freer.  I'm not talking about sloth.  I'm not talking about gluttony, or eating nothing but McDonald's, or eating until you're ready to puke.  I've figured out that eating certain things make me feel good.  I've started eating a mainly vegetarian diet.  I say mainly because when I'm home, that's what makes me feel good, but if we're on vacation (I'll get to applying this philosophy in Jamaica in a minute) or at someone's house, I'm not going to be a pain in the butt.  I don't have an allergy, I am choosing this.  So, if my Mom made roast beef for Christmas dinner, I'm certainly going to dive in and I will not eat Christmas tofu.  But when I'm home, doing my own cooking, it does mean that I'll make BBQ lentils (they really are good), rather than using boston butt.  It makes me feel good.  Having to think outside the usual meals has made me think harder about what's for dinner.  Because a lot of recipes are based on pantry items, I can ask what I'm in the mood for that night, keeping in mind that Dave gets a vote too.  Then when I'm eating, whether it's a healthy choice or a not-so-healthy choice, I don't over-analyze it.  I don't measure portions, but I also eat until I'm satisfied, not until I'm stuffed.  Besides, try a vegetarian diet for a few days and OD on lentils and veggies - your digestive system will let you know you overdid it!  But I've noticed that I enjoy food more with this new way of thinking.  I don't feel bad about my choices.

We went to Jamaica last week.  It was our first time at an all-inclusive resort.  It was amazing.  We both love food, and we both view food as a part of the vacation experience.  We ate 5 course meals almost every night.  They took 2 hours.  I tried foods that I never would normally eat.  There were more than a couple of times that I did overeat, like, we had to go to the room to digest before we continued our strenuous day of laying on the beach.  A few years ago, I would have worried about how to lose the weight when I got home.  Heck, 3 months ago I would have worried about it.  Now, though, when we got home, I was more than ready to get back to normal eating.  We had our vacation.  We enjoyed the hell out of it.  But really, I did notice a difference.  So I went back to more intuitive eating and I'm already feeling less sluggish.  And my body will right itself eventually.  No problem, mon.  Side note - I didn't act like I didn't have diabetes.  THat's a whole 'nother thing.  I was still very vigilent about my bloodsugars, although I did ditch Bob for a week because, where DO you keep your non-waterproof insulin pump in Jamaica?  I did shots and fingersticks - kickin' it old school.

Anyway, I came to this realization about 3 months ago.  I spent 6 months working out with a trainer. Obsessing about how many workouts I got in per week.  What was my mileage on the bike?  My swims? How many reps?  I did weight watchers.  I measured everything.  Keep in mind that I didn't think I looked all that bad to begin with, I just didn't like the number that showed up when I weighed myself.  So guess what happened?  I gained 5 pounds.  And that's when it hit me.  My numbers were fabulous in every other aspect of my health - A1c, kidney function, blood pressure, cholesterol. I was fit. But I was so upset over the 5 pounds.  Then, I realized that I could eat well without measuring and without guilt and stress and workout doing something I actually wanted to do and I would look just as good doing something that made me happy.  And every once in a while, if I went out with friends and didn't order the healthiest thing on the menu, I wasn't going to comment on how huge the portion was or how much I needed to work out - I would eat until I was satisfied and enjoy every bite.  And I HATE running.  So guess what?  I don't run.  The next time I get in a pool and I am bound and determined to enjoy myself instead of obsessing about my MPH, my lap times, and everything else that I used to obsess about.

Finally, I've accepted my body.  I thought I was fat in high school.  I thought I was fat in college.  I did some extraordinarily STUPID things to lose a lot of weight for my wedding.  I have refused to be in pictures because I didn't like the way I look.  But when we were packing for Jamaica, I put on all my bathing suits, trying to decide which ones to pack.  And I almost cried.  Because I thought, genuinely, that I look good.  I have had a belly my entire life.  Now I have a bigger belly from having a kid.  I have 6 scars on it from 2 surgeries.  Oh well, I'm over it.  I'm not perfect, but I realized that I'm not nearly as hideous as I'd spent the last 20 years thinking that I was.

So, this has been a rambling piece.  If you've stayed with me this far, I guess my message is this.  Love yourself.  Love yourself enough to eat what is going to make you healthy and what will make you feel good and yes, what will give you pleasure.  Part of the reason I'm not vegan is that I tried soy cheese.  I love myself too much to eat soy cheese.  It's nasty.  Love yourself enough to exercise doing something that you love, not something that you feel like you should do for an amount of time that you feel that you should do it.  And choose the path of happiness and optimism whenever possible.  Because life's too short to be miserable. :)  And when all else fails, there's wine.  Lots and lots of wine.

A little catching up

I can't believe it's been almost a year since my last blog post.  There are reasons for that.  First, last fall, about the time I fell off the blogging wagon, was when I had eye surgery.  Then some really scary stuff happened that I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about.  I have no idea who reads this blog.  I have no idea why they do, if they do read it.  I like to stay positive, and from October - December, trying to think positive became my other full time job, and I just wasn't ready to talk about it.  Heck, I'm not sure I want to talk about it now, but now that I've got this great suspense built up, I might as well tell those that don't know - I spent 8 weeks wondering if I had ovarian cancer.  I didn't, thank God.  But going through an extremely busy semester wondering if a mystery mass that is the size of a grapefruit means that you have a cancer with a 10-15% survival rate is pure hell.  Pure. Unadulterated. Hell.  And it was hell on my closest friends and family that knew.  So I wasn't ready to share that until now.  But, we are all on the other side now, whole, happy, and healthy.  Thank God.

So, spring was spent kinda taking it easy.  Summer has flown by.  Ian started pre-school!  Pre-school!  His first day was harder for me than him, that's for sure.  His last day with Sarah was incredibly hard for me, surprisingly.  He had been going to her since he was 6 weeks old!  Her family had become an extended part of our family.  Then I had to remind myself that it wasn't like they were moving.  We live 1.5 miles away from each other.  Play dates will happen!  Fortunately, Ian LOVES school.  I can't ask fro more than that.  Dave is doing well.  Life is good.

The highlight of our summer was a trip to Jamaica.  It was our first vacation that didn't involve visiting family in 5 years.  It was cathartic.  That sounds stupid and melodramatic, but it was.  I had been thinking about the fall semester, which is always nuts, only this time I have 86 people, not 70 in A&P and I'm teaching toxicology for the first time ever.  Oh yeah, and I'm going up for tenure and this year I will probably switch my research model.  So, you know, a few irons in the fire.  And, like usual, I was worried about how to do all this and keep my sanity.  But if last fall taught me anything, it's that life is way too short to spend all of it stressed out.  Jamaica taught me that cocktail hour before dinner is a good idea. Even if there's no alcohol involved, taking a few minutes to relax before dinner and talk a little about the day is nice.  Or don't talk.  Just take a few minutes and unwind.  This summer I started singing in Sacred Heart's gospel choir.  It's a once a week committment that is all for me.  It's fun.  It's hilarious.  It's not taking yourself so seriously. And no matter how busy this fall is, I will continue to go because it makes me happy.

So this semester, I am determined.  I am determined that I will not pass up a fun opportunity to spend time with Dave and Ian in favor of getting just one more thing done at work, if I can help it.  Even if there are things piling up, I will take care of me.  I will eat well.  I will sleep at night.  I will keep a sense of humor.  Lab meetings might be at the bar occasionally because the only time everyone was available was 4pm on Friday's.  And that's 5:00 EST.  I'm going to take a page from a prof at UA who always said "Work hard, play hard, sleep well."  And I'm going to blog.  Because it makes me happy too, even if I have no idea if anyone's reading.  I guess that's like the "dance like no one's watching" thing - blog like no one's reading?  Anyway, it's a new fall, a different way of thinking, and a lot to be thankful for.