New Year, New Attitude

Bitter. Used. Exhausted. Spent. Underpaid. Negative.

Not pretty words.  Not pretty feelings, but that's how I felt in May of last year.  I had just spent an academic year working, on average, 60-80 hour workweeks. For a period of 9 months, family time was relegated to that time when I wasn't working. Now, all this work had a purpose. I was on 5 search committees for new faculty. I think those are important choices, and I was happy that I was able to have a strong voice in choosing future colleagues. I was recruiting, marketing, and organizing the forensic science program.  I'd say that's pretty important. I taught my students and did research, which is the core of my job, the thing that I'm paid to do. And I got accolades and kudos. And pats on the back. But was I happy? Not exactly.

I was happy at home.  My husband was working like a demon too, being a first year chem and physics teacher.  But he loves his job, and after a long struggle to find his work home, I was thrilled, even if it meant long hours. Ian is a joy. He's funny, sarcastic, and articulate. He's not perfect (who is?), but he's pretty dang fun to be around.

So, all of last year, I felt like there were two mes. Work me, mom and wife me.  But there was no ME me. I didn't take care of myself mentally. I don't like to be a Debbie Downer, so I internalized a lot of my stress. And what did that get me? Gastritis. Insomnia. Stress eating. Drinking enough caffeine to kill a horse to do more work (ok, maybe a teeny exaggeration).  I stopped going to church almost all together.  I avoided calling my mom and my long distance friends because I didn't want the conversation to be a litany of complaints. And yeah, I accomplished a lot, but at what cost?

I have decided things need to change.  I need a new mantra.  And my new mantra is, "Nobody has EVER died from an academic emergency."  My students and my work will get a lot of attention - in a healthy, sane way. Not in a soul-sucking way. If I'm a happier, more balanced person, then I will focus better at work and be a better worker. Will my responsibilities at work lessen this year? Probably not. Will I care about my work any less? Probably not. What I can and will change, is my attitude and how I react.  So, it's easy to say "I'll change," but I'm a person who needs a plan.  This is my plan:

 - If it's not my circus and not my monkeys, let it go.  I cared WAY too much about other people's business (both at work and not) and things at work that I couldn't change. Way too much mental energy wasted there. No more.

- Don't complain. It's so easy to bitch. And it feels good in the moment - to vent all of your frustrations to a sympathetic ear (especially over alcohol), but it was rarely cathartic. Most of the time, I felt more hopeless afterward than when I started.

- I matter too. My first priorities will always be my family and my career (in that order), but I need to matter to me. I'm going back to church. I'm starting to meditate. I will do exercise that makes me happy (yoga and swimming) and not give a crap about how many 5ks or half marathons my friends can run, except to be happy for them that they can do that.

- Focus at work. Email will stop being obsessed over - I am turning off my notifications and checking it 3 times a day.  Work on one task at a time. Last year I did not know how and couldn't focus. I went to a conference this year that called a new ADD drug "the professor's best friend." AND I WAS SITTING THERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET SOME! That's ridiculous.  I don't have ADD - I just need to focus.

- Be in the moment. Applies to home and work. I'm tired of multitasking. When Ian asks me to color with him, that's what I'm going to do. Not color and mentally plan tomorrow. Not color and fret about how much I need to do after he goes to bed.  I'm going to color (badly) with my kid.

- Keep focusing on the positive.  I do this a lot anyway, but I'm adding something else - no complaining. I can observe something, I can feel the feelings, but no more needless criticism and whining.

So that's it. I don't know that this process will be easy, but I am sure that I will be a more productive and far happier person for it. And I'm putting my plan out there, because I want people to hold me accountable.  If I'm complaining all the time, call me on it.  If I withdraw from everybody, call me on it. If you see me at work at 5am on a Saturday, ask me why I'm there (and then I'll ask you why you're there) and what is more important that breakfast with my family on a Saturday.   Oh yeah, and I'm going to try to start blogging again. Read it, don't read it. Honestly, this blog is not really about writing for other people - it's my stream of consciousness that happens to be on the internets.

Here's to a happier, healthier new year.