After I got the all-clear for exercise last January, I decided that I was going to pursue healthy living on a whole other level. A cancer scare will do that to you. I started exercising again. Not that I never exercised before, it's just that, like most of us, it was the first thing to go when the going got too busy. I have a job, a husband, and a child. I will take spending more time with the husband and the child over running around the block any day, so if I couldn't fit in the workouts during my lunch time or during nap time on the weekend, I didn't do it. And when the semester picked up steam, lunchtime swims became a thing of the past.
So, in January, like an alcoholic finding sobriety again after falling off the wagon, I started exercising again. I told the wonderful student trainer, Taylor, that I worked with that I wanted to lose weight and be able to run a 5k. I guess I thought that if I told someone who is a runner that I wanted to run a 5k, that I'd just magically be able to do that. So Taylor put together a plan and we got together twice a week. She was really creative, and the sessions involved tons of cardio. I realized about halfway through that I. HATE. RUNNING. Like, I'll do it if someone was chasing me with a taser. I am the friend you want to be with in the woods if a bear attacked us because I'm so slow and would definitely get eaten while you run to safety. I sound like an 80 year old with emphysema.
So I switched gears and had read about a neat fitness goal of completing an ironman or half-ironman, but taking a month to do it. Taylor was on board, and we came up with a plan. And then I ran out of time - literally. If your running is at best a 15 minute mile and you're supposed to run 4 miles in 1 workout and then do biking and some strength, there's no way you can do that in a reasonable amount of time. So there went that idea. I got new bike gear for my birthday - clipless pedals and the shoes that went with them. The first ride I had, I fell and hit my arm so badly that I couldn't move it more than 10 degrees and my arm was so swollen that even the x-rays weren't clear. It took 3 weeks before I had full range of motion. I had 2 successful rides, then wiped out and screwed up my knee so badly that my kneecap was pushed out of place from all the swelling. Even my mother said "honey, you're not coordinated enough to ride a bike." Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom. Did I mention that she and Dad came home from my first dance recital and asked if I wanted to take piano lessons? Let's just say that I play the piano beautifully now and cannot do a grande jete. This summer I was a single mom in the evenings because the hubs had to work second shift. So after working a full day at school and then coming home to an energetic toddler, exercise wasn't my main priority.
There was an ugly side to my exercise odyssey too. I would get incredibly stressed out if I missed a workout. I worked out when I went to my friend Kelli's wedding. Doing crap I didn't even enjoy doing in a hot, sweaty, tiny hotel gym, just to get a workout in. Mentally, this obsession wasn't doing me any good.
So at the end of the summer, a few weeks before Jamaica, I took a good look at the fall. It's busy, to say the least. I wanted an activity that would help me stress less, not more, and that I could do at night after Ian went to bed, in the privacy of my own house, rain or shine. I also realized that my joints were so stiff and my muscles so tight that I looked and felt like a geriatric. Yoga it is. I'd taken yoga classes before that were challenging mainly because they were painful. If you're stiff, it hurts to sit cross-legged. Or to attempt a backbend. I found My Yoga Online and it's amazing. If you want to try it, email me. If I (or any other member) refers you, you get 2 weeks free. It's yoga on demand. There are hundreds of classes, and you can sort by style, teacher, time, level, etc. David Magone is probably my favorite and I had never wound up in a hot, sweaty, breathing-hard mess from yoga before his classes. I mean, yoga is exercise, really? My first thought was "is this enough? Shouldn't I also be running, biking, swimming, etc?" Then I thought "exactly how many people who do a lot of yoga do you know that are out of shape?" The teachers at the local yoga studio in Emporia are in amazing shape. (BTW, the classes at that studio are wonderful, but don't fit my schedule.) So now I have an activity that I try to do 4 or 5 times a week. I pick different classes depending on how sore I am. More importantly to me, I pick classes on what I want to get from the class. Do I want to work on flexibility? Strength? Cardio? Mental stuff? Do I have a lot of energy? Is my back killing me? I do it after Ian goes to bed.
So, if you've stuck with me so far, I'll explain the title of this post. David Magone (and a lot of the teachers) give you something to think about either at the beginning or the end of a session. I was a hot mess after one of his classes, and the meditation for the day was about focusing more on your inward identity than your outward identity, because things that form your outward identity can change, creating a real identity crisis, but the stuff on the inside, who you really are, is the same no matter what. I identify myself SO MUCH by outward stuff. I am a professor. I'm a wife. Now I'm a mom. I'm going to try this week to work on my inward identity - I am an optimist. I try to be kind (I need to work harder on this). I want to be less judgmental. I want to be more patient. If I keep working on these things, it can only enhance the outward things. And maybe it will make attempting a headstand easier. :) Namaste.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Vegans, vegetarians, and omnivores - can't we all just get along?
The Atkins Diet. South Beach. Low fat. Low carb. Glycemic Index. Eating for your bloodtype. Diet is a four-letter word for sure. And last week, I saw an article posted by a friend - Why the Vegan Diet Sucks. I read the article and I agreed with some of it. Then, just for the sake of argument, I googled vegetarian support or something like that and found all the pro-veggie sites. I was shocked. Not because there aren't any, but because there's so much...passion is one word, militant craziness is another..out there.
The vegan-diet-sucks (VDS) article talks about how vegans are malnourished, that being vegan isn't any healthier than any other way of eating, etc. And that vegans use fear-mongering to convert people. Just as an aside, I'm not vegan. I love eggs and cheese and while I don't eat those foods in every meal, I do eat them daily and I don't think, from a diet perspective, that there's anything wrong with that. I also follow a vegetarian diet about 95-98% of the time, but I'm not perfect. Pigs are still dying in my name because I'm sorry, bacon is delicious. Anyway, on to addressing the article. Vegans are malnourished. Yes, it's hard to get certain vitamins - B12 for one - from an all plant diet. But how many of us are malnourished from the eating practices we currently have? A lot. Particularly if your diet, like my former one, was meat and starch heavy and veggie light. How many of us can say that we get every recommended serving of fruits and vegetables every day that we're supposed to have and get every nutrient and vitamin that we need in recommended amounts every day without use of a multivitamin? Some people, yes, but not the majority. So, pot, meet kettle. Vegans probably lack in some areas, but so do omnivores.
Veggie diets aren't healthier or better for you than any other diet. The article says that the health benefits can't be assigned to diet because eating this way encourages you to also skip processed foods and sugar and to start exercising. Oh the horror! I think that everyone, whether you give up meat or not, can exercise and give up processed foods. I have noticed, in my own life, that eating vegetarian has made me think outside the box and has forced me to make and try things that I normally wouldn't. I am BAD about getting stuck in food ruts. When I decided to try vegetarianism, I told myself that this was NOT going to mean that all I ate was pasta, potatoes, and cheese. That I would learn to eat and love beans, lentils, and vegetables outside of broccoli, peas, and corn. And it's working! I've made some pretty incredible dinners out of stuff that I NEVER thought I'd eat. So, in my own life, I'd say that it's made me a much healthier eater. Not a perfect one, but I have cut down my fast food consumption considerably (no options besides meatless salad and french fries) and we're eating more fruits and veggies than we ever have. Exercise is for another post. I'll also note two observations from my own experience - a meal based on whole grains and beans or lentils and veggies is FILLING. The other thing is that I can eat until I'm satisfied and I don't feel disgustingly full much more easily than I could when I was eating differently.
The fear-mongering. Ok, they have a point there. WHen I looked up pro-veggie sites, most of them were, um, enthusiastic about veganism. A lot that I found, thought vegetarians were too liberal. Almost all of it was animal-rights based. There's nothing wrong with loving animals. I can't afford to buy all my meat humanely raised, organic, with smiley chickens. So we bought regular chicken. We are lucky enough to be able to get beef from an actual farm, not Tyson, so that's a little better anyway. I was a little surprised that most of the sites weren't of the mindset that any reduction of animal consumption is good. To me, telling someone that reducing their meat consumption even if they aren't vegan is a step in the right direction for many reasons. But most of them definitely took the tone of "eat any animal and you're total scum." I think there's no need for that. If you want to convince people to do what you're doing, don't use fear tactics or the "you're a horrible person if you don't do X" argument.
So, bottom line? A diet used to mean a style of eating. Now we view them as these things we do to lose weight, and that's where the thinking needs to change. I didn't go veggie necessarily to lose weight. I actually started with it because of a summer class I taught, did more research and found out that a plant-based diet is better for your kidneys (animal protein is harder on them and you tend to eat way more protein than you actually need on an animal diet), and most of all, I just feel good. Also, I have eaten meat over the last couple of months occasionally. And meat just doesn't do that much for me. A good loaf of sourdough bread is very pleasurable. Meat just isn't for me - I realized I liked the condiments more than the flesh., so it's not a huge deal most of the time. For others, eating meat is pleasurable. So do what makes you happy in the healthiest way possible. Eat meat, don't eat meat, just don't bash the other side. Visualize whirled peas. :)
The vegan-diet-sucks (VDS) article talks about how vegans are malnourished, that being vegan isn't any healthier than any other way of eating, etc. And that vegans use fear-mongering to convert people. Just as an aside, I'm not vegan. I love eggs and cheese and while I don't eat those foods in every meal, I do eat them daily and I don't think, from a diet perspective, that there's anything wrong with that. I also follow a vegetarian diet about 95-98% of the time, but I'm not perfect. Pigs are still dying in my name because I'm sorry, bacon is delicious. Anyway, on to addressing the article. Vegans are malnourished. Yes, it's hard to get certain vitamins - B12 for one - from an all plant diet. But how many of us are malnourished from the eating practices we currently have? A lot. Particularly if your diet, like my former one, was meat and starch heavy and veggie light. How many of us can say that we get every recommended serving of fruits and vegetables every day that we're supposed to have and get every nutrient and vitamin that we need in recommended amounts every day without use of a multivitamin? Some people, yes, but not the majority. So, pot, meet kettle. Vegans probably lack in some areas, but so do omnivores.
Veggie diets aren't healthier or better for you than any other diet. The article says that the health benefits can't be assigned to diet because eating this way encourages you to also skip processed foods and sugar and to start exercising. Oh the horror! I think that everyone, whether you give up meat or not, can exercise and give up processed foods. I have noticed, in my own life, that eating vegetarian has made me think outside the box and has forced me to make and try things that I normally wouldn't. I am BAD about getting stuck in food ruts. When I decided to try vegetarianism, I told myself that this was NOT going to mean that all I ate was pasta, potatoes, and cheese. That I would learn to eat and love beans, lentils, and vegetables outside of broccoli, peas, and corn. And it's working! I've made some pretty incredible dinners out of stuff that I NEVER thought I'd eat. So, in my own life, I'd say that it's made me a much healthier eater. Not a perfect one, but I have cut down my fast food consumption considerably (no options besides meatless salad and french fries) and we're eating more fruits and veggies than we ever have. Exercise is for another post. I'll also note two observations from my own experience - a meal based on whole grains and beans or lentils and veggies is FILLING. The other thing is that I can eat until I'm satisfied and I don't feel disgustingly full much more easily than I could when I was eating differently.
The fear-mongering. Ok, they have a point there. WHen I looked up pro-veggie sites, most of them were, um, enthusiastic about veganism. A lot that I found, thought vegetarians were too liberal. Almost all of it was animal-rights based. There's nothing wrong with loving animals. I can't afford to buy all my meat humanely raised, organic, with smiley chickens. So we bought regular chicken. We are lucky enough to be able to get beef from an actual farm, not Tyson, so that's a little better anyway. I was a little surprised that most of the sites weren't of the mindset that any reduction of animal consumption is good. To me, telling someone that reducing their meat consumption even if they aren't vegan is a step in the right direction for many reasons. But most of them definitely took the tone of "eat any animal and you're total scum." I think there's no need for that. If you want to convince people to do what you're doing, don't use fear tactics or the "you're a horrible person if you don't do X" argument.
So, bottom line? A diet used to mean a style of eating. Now we view them as these things we do to lose weight, and that's where the thinking needs to change. I didn't go veggie necessarily to lose weight. I actually started with it because of a summer class I taught, did more research and found out that a plant-based diet is better for your kidneys (animal protein is harder on them and you tend to eat way more protein than you actually need on an animal diet), and most of all, I just feel good. Also, I have eaten meat over the last couple of months occasionally. And meat just doesn't do that much for me. A good loaf of sourdough bread is very pleasurable. Meat just isn't for me - I realized I liked the condiments more than the flesh., so it's not a huge deal most of the time. For others, eating meat is pleasurable. So do what makes you happy in the healthiest way possible. Eat meat, don't eat meat, just don't bash the other side. Visualize whirled peas. :)
Monday, August 26, 2013
Brain Dump
I couldn't really think of a good theme for this post, so I thought I'd just give you a brain dump - all the stuff that's been floating around my head lately. Here goes...
1) The attitude shift is working! Last year, I distinctly remember starting the semester by asking how long it would be until Christmas. I was so burnt out. I wasn't excited about anything, and I was tired before it started. This semester, I have the same load I usually carry in the fall, but I have tox (new), over 80 people in A&P (new at ESU), I go up for tenure (where have the last 5 years gone?), and I have the data for 4 papers, 2 that just need a little more work, 1 started, and 1 that hasn't started. That's a new problem to have too. But a good one. I give all the credit to my fabulous students. Without them, I would literally be not sitting on so much data. But, I'm excited! I know it's going to be a tiring semester, but so far so good. Yes, I realize that it's one week in. But really, I'm better than I was last year in terms of attitude.
2) My ribs feel good enough to start back with yoga! I'm so excited about this. I joined myyogaonline.com and it's fabulous. You can watch any video you want and filter by style, teacher, level, etc. Tonight, I did a "de-stress" class. Except then I realized that the instructor wanted me to do a half-backbend. My spine doesn't move like that, so I just watched her, which was less stressful than trying the move.
3) Big Mac died. RIP, Big Mac. You were a wonderful computer. We'll have to think carefully about your replacement. It was a great 8 years.
4) Water volleyball is really fun. It's also darn good exercise if you have a 32lb 3-year-old that wants to play too and makes you lift him over your head so he can throw the volleyball over the net.
5) I made ficken (fake chicken) salad today for lunch and it was delicious my grad students liked it! I used mashed chickpeas. Who knew you could eat those things in more than hummus?
Ok, enough brain dump. I'll be back with more rambling later in the week. You stay classy. :)
1) The attitude shift is working! Last year, I distinctly remember starting the semester by asking how long it would be until Christmas. I was so burnt out. I wasn't excited about anything, and I was tired before it started. This semester, I have the same load I usually carry in the fall, but I have tox (new), over 80 people in A&P (new at ESU), I go up for tenure (where have the last 5 years gone?), and I have the data for 4 papers, 2 that just need a little more work, 1 started, and 1 that hasn't started. That's a new problem to have too. But a good one. I give all the credit to my fabulous students. Without them, I would literally be not sitting on so much data. But, I'm excited! I know it's going to be a tiring semester, but so far so good. Yes, I realize that it's one week in. But really, I'm better than I was last year in terms of attitude.
2) My ribs feel good enough to start back with yoga! I'm so excited about this. I joined myyogaonline.com and it's fabulous. You can watch any video you want and filter by style, teacher, level, etc. Tonight, I did a "de-stress" class. Except then I realized that the instructor wanted me to do a half-backbend. My spine doesn't move like that, so I just watched her, which was less stressful than trying the move.
3) Big Mac died. RIP, Big Mac. You were a wonderful computer. We'll have to think carefully about your replacement. It was a great 8 years.
4) Water volleyball is really fun. It's also darn good exercise if you have a 32lb 3-year-old that wants to play too and makes you lift him over your head so he can throw the volleyball over the net.
5) I made ficken (fake chicken) salad today for lunch and it was delicious my grad students liked it! I used mashed chickpeas. Who knew you could eat those things in more than hummus?
Ok, enough brain dump. I'll be back with more rambling later in the week. You stay classy. :)
Thursday, August 15, 2013
All you need is (self) love...
"God, these portions are HUGE!"
"I shouldn't eat this."
"Well, I've been good all day, so I guess I can have this."
"There have got to be a million calories in this."
"Good thing I went to the gym today."
Any of these phrases sound familiar? All of these phrases sound familiar? I know I've said them before, and I've heard a lot of my friends say them too. But what if we never thought this way again? What if we were kinder to ourselves, and ate what we really wanted to eat without guilt? What if we exercised because it was an activity we loved, not one we felt obligated to do? What if we took a walk for the sake of taking a walk - not to see how many miles we could get in, or how fast we could go, but just to enjoy being outside? Would we all be a little less stressed?
As part of my "keep my sanity" way of thinking, I have started to practice these philosophies. I don't think I've ever felt freer. I'm not talking about sloth. I'm not talking about gluttony, or eating nothing but McDonald's, or eating until you're ready to puke. I've figured out that eating certain things make me feel good. I've started eating a mainly vegetarian diet. I say mainly because when I'm home, that's what makes me feel good, but if we're on vacation (I'll get to applying this philosophy in Jamaica in a minute) or at someone's house, I'm not going to be a pain in the butt. I don't have an allergy, I am choosing this. So, if my Mom made roast beef for Christmas dinner, I'm certainly going to dive in and I will not eat Christmas tofu. But when I'm home, doing my own cooking, it does mean that I'll make BBQ lentils (they really are good), rather than using boston butt. It makes me feel good. Having to think outside the usual meals has made me think harder about what's for dinner. Because a lot of recipes are based on pantry items, I can ask what I'm in the mood for that night, keeping in mind that Dave gets a vote too. Then when I'm eating, whether it's a healthy choice or a not-so-healthy choice, I don't over-analyze it. I don't measure portions, but I also eat until I'm satisfied, not until I'm stuffed. Besides, try a vegetarian diet for a few days and OD on lentils and veggies - your digestive system will let you know you overdid it! But I've noticed that I enjoy food more with this new way of thinking. I don't feel bad about my choices.
We went to Jamaica last week. It was our first time at an all-inclusive resort. It was amazing. We both love food, and we both view food as a part of the vacation experience. We ate 5 course meals almost every night. They took 2 hours. I tried foods that I never would normally eat. There were more than a couple of times that I did overeat, like, we had to go to the room to digest before we continued our strenuous day of laying on the beach. A few years ago, I would have worried about how to lose the weight when I got home. Heck, 3 months ago I would have worried about it. Now, though, when we got home, I was more than ready to get back to normal eating. We had our vacation. We enjoyed the hell out of it. But really, I did notice a difference. So I went back to more intuitive eating and I'm already feeling less sluggish. And my body will right itself eventually. No problem, mon. Side note - I didn't act like I didn't have diabetes. THat's a whole 'nother thing. I was still very vigilent about my bloodsugars, although I did ditch Bob for a week because, where DO you keep your non-waterproof insulin pump in Jamaica? I did shots and fingersticks - kickin' it old school.
Anyway, I came to this realization about 3 months ago. I spent 6 months working out with a trainer. Obsessing about how many workouts I got in per week. What was my mileage on the bike? My swims? How many reps? I did weight watchers. I measured everything. Keep in mind that I didn't think I looked all that bad to begin with, I just didn't like the number that showed up when I weighed myself. So guess what happened? I gained 5 pounds. And that's when it hit me. My numbers were fabulous in every other aspect of my health - A1c, kidney function, blood pressure, cholesterol. I was fit. But I was so upset over the 5 pounds. Then, I realized that I could eat well without measuring and without guilt and stress and workout doing something I actually wanted to do and I would look just as good doing something that made me happy. And every once in a while, if I went out with friends and didn't order the healthiest thing on the menu, I wasn't going to comment on how huge the portion was or how much I needed to work out - I would eat until I was satisfied and enjoy every bite. And I HATE running. So guess what? I don't run. The next time I get in a pool and I am bound and determined to enjoy myself instead of obsessing about my MPH, my lap times, and everything else that I used to obsess about.
Finally, I've accepted my body. I thought I was fat in high school. I thought I was fat in college. I did some extraordinarily STUPID things to lose a lot of weight for my wedding. I have refused to be in pictures because I didn't like the way I look. But when we were packing for Jamaica, I put on all my bathing suits, trying to decide which ones to pack. And I almost cried. Because I thought, genuinely, that I look good. I have had a belly my entire life. Now I have a bigger belly from having a kid. I have 6 scars on it from 2 surgeries. Oh well, I'm over it. I'm not perfect, but I realized that I'm not nearly as hideous as I'd spent the last 20 years thinking that I was.
So, this has been a rambling piece. If you've stayed with me this far, I guess my message is this. Love yourself. Love yourself enough to eat what is going to make you healthy and what will make you feel good and yes, what will give you pleasure. Part of the reason I'm not vegan is that I tried soy cheese. I love myself too much to eat soy cheese. It's nasty. Love yourself enough to exercise doing something that you love, not something that you feel like you should do for an amount of time that you feel that you should do it. And choose the path of happiness and optimism whenever possible. Because life's too short to be miserable. :) And when all else fails, there's wine. Lots and lots of wine.
"I shouldn't eat this."
"Well, I've been good all day, so I guess I can have this."
"There have got to be a million calories in this."
"Good thing I went to the gym today."
Any of these phrases sound familiar? All of these phrases sound familiar? I know I've said them before, and I've heard a lot of my friends say them too. But what if we never thought this way again? What if we were kinder to ourselves, and ate what we really wanted to eat without guilt? What if we exercised because it was an activity we loved, not one we felt obligated to do? What if we took a walk for the sake of taking a walk - not to see how many miles we could get in, or how fast we could go, but just to enjoy being outside? Would we all be a little less stressed?
As part of my "keep my sanity" way of thinking, I have started to practice these philosophies. I don't think I've ever felt freer. I'm not talking about sloth. I'm not talking about gluttony, or eating nothing but McDonald's, or eating until you're ready to puke. I've figured out that eating certain things make me feel good. I've started eating a mainly vegetarian diet. I say mainly because when I'm home, that's what makes me feel good, but if we're on vacation (I'll get to applying this philosophy in Jamaica in a minute) or at someone's house, I'm not going to be a pain in the butt. I don't have an allergy, I am choosing this. So, if my Mom made roast beef for Christmas dinner, I'm certainly going to dive in and I will not eat Christmas tofu. But when I'm home, doing my own cooking, it does mean that I'll make BBQ lentils (they really are good), rather than using boston butt. It makes me feel good. Having to think outside the usual meals has made me think harder about what's for dinner. Because a lot of recipes are based on pantry items, I can ask what I'm in the mood for that night, keeping in mind that Dave gets a vote too. Then when I'm eating, whether it's a healthy choice or a not-so-healthy choice, I don't over-analyze it. I don't measure portions, but I also eat until I'm satisfied, not until I'm stuffed. Besides, try a vegetarian diet for a few days and OD on lentils and veggies - your digestive system will let you know you overdid it! But I've noticed that I enjoy food more with this new way of thinking. I don't feel bad about my choices.
We went to Jamaica last week. It was our first time at an all-inclusive resort. It was amazing. We both love food, and we both view food as a part of the vacation experience. We ate 5 course meals almost every night. They took 2 hours. I tried foods that I never would normally eat. There were more than a couple of times that I did overeat, like, we had to go to the room to digest before we continued our strenuous day of laying on the beach. A few years ago, I would have worried about how to lose the weight when I got home. Heck, 3 months ago I would have worried about it. Now, though, when we got home, I was more than ready to get back to normal eating. We had our vacation. We enjoyed the hell out of it. But really, I did notice a difference. So I went back to more intuitive eating and I'm already feeling less sluggish. And my body will right itself eventually. No problem, mon. Side note - I didn't act like I didn't have diabetes. THat's a whole 'nother thing. I was still very vigilent about my bloodsugars, although I did ditch Bob for a week because, where DO you keep your non-waterproof insulin pump in Jamaica? I did shots and fingersticks - kickin' it old school.
Anyway, I came to this realization about 3 months ago. I spent 6 months working out with a trainer. Obsessing about how many workouts I got in per week. What was my mileage on the bike? My swims? How many reps? I did weight watchers. I measured everything. Keep in mind that I didn't think I looked all that bad to begin with, I just didn't like the number that showed up when I weighed myself. So guess what happened? I gained 5 pounds. And that's when it hit me. My numbers were fabulous in every other aspect of my health - A1c, kidney function, blood pressure, cholesterol. I was fit. But I was so upset over the 5 pounds. Then, I realized that I could eat well without measuring and without guilt and stress and workout doing something I actually wanted to do and I would look just as good doing something that made me happy. And every once in a while, if I went out with friends and didn't order the healthiest thing on the menu, I wasn't going to comment on how huge the portion was or how much I needed to work out - I would eat until I was satisfied and enjoy every bite. And I HATE running. So guess what? I don't run. The next time I get in a pool and I am bound and determined to enjoy myself instead of obsessing about my MPH, my lap times, and everything else that I used to obsess about.
Finally, I've accepted my body. I thought I was fat in high school. I thought I was fat in college. I did some extraordinarily STUPID things to lose a lot of weight for my wedding. I have refused to be in pictures because I didn't like the way I look. But when we were packing for Jamaica, I put on all my bathing suits, trying to decide which ones to pack. And I almost cried. Because I thought, genuinely, that I look good. I have had a belly my entire life. Now I have a bigger belly from having a kid. I have 6 scars on it from 2 surgeries. Oh well, I'm over it. I'm not perfect, but I realized that I'm not nearly as hideous as I'd spent the last 20 years thinking that I was.
So, this has been a rambling piece. If you've stayed with me this far, I guess my message is this. Love yourself. Love yourself enough to eat what is going to make you healthy and what will make you feel good and yes, what will give you pleasure. Part of the reason I'm not vegan is that I tried soy cheese. I love myself too much to eat soy cheese. It's nasty. Love yourself enough to exercise doing something that you love, not something that you feel like you should do for an amount of time that you feel that you should do it. And choose the path of happiness and optimism whenever possible. Because life's too short to be miserable. :) And when all else fails, there's wine. Lots and lots of wine.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
A little catching up
I can't believe it's been almost a year since my last blog post. There are reasons for that. First, last fall, about the time I fell off the blogging wagon, was when I had eye surgery. Then some really scary stuff happened that I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about. I have no idea who reads this blog. I have no idea why they do, if they do read it. I like to stay positive, and from October - December, trying to think positive became my other full time job, and I just wasn't ready to talk about it. Heck, I'm not sure I want to talk about it now, but now that I've got this great suspense built up, I might as well tell those that don't know - I spent 8 weeks wondering if I had ovarian cancer. I didn't, thank God. But going through an extremely busy semester wondering if a mystery mass that is the size of a grapefruit means that you have a cancer with a 10-15% survival rate is pure hell. Pure. Unadulterated. Hell. And it was hell on my closest friends and family that knew. So I wasn't ready to share that until now. But, we are all on the other side now, whole, happy, and healthy. Thank God.
So, spring was spent kinda taking it easy. Summer has flown by. Ian started pre-school! Pre-school! His first day was harder for me than him, that's for sure. His last day with Sarah was incredibly hard for me, surprisingly. He had been going to her since he was 6 weeks old! Her family had become an extended part of our family. Then I had to remind myself that it wasn't like they were moving. We live 1.5 miles away from each other. Play dates will happen! Fortunately, Ian LOVES school. I can't ask fro more than that. Dave is doing well. Life is good.
The highlight of our summer was a trip to Jamaica. It was our first vacation that didn't involve visiting family in 5 years. It was cathartic. That sounds stupid and melodramatic, but it was. I had been thinking about the fall semester, which is always nuts, only this time I have 86 people, not 70 in A&P and I'm teaching toxicology for the first time ever. Oh yeah, and I'm going up for tenure and this year I will probably switch my research model. So, you know, a few irons in the fire. And, like usual, I was worried about how to do all this and keep my sanity. But if last fall taught me anything, it's that life is way too short to spend all of it stressed out. Jamaica taught me that cocktail hour before dinner is a good idea. Even if there's no alcohol involved, taking a few minutes to relax before dinner and talk a little about the day is nice. Or don't talk. Just take a few minutes and unwind. This summer I started singing in Sacred Heart's gospel choir. It's a once a week committment that is all for me. It's fun. It's hilarious. It's not taking yourself so seriously. And no matter how busy this fall is, I will continue to go because it makes me happy.
So this semester, I am determined. I am determined that I will not pass up a fun opportunity to spend time with Dave and Ian in favor of getting just one more thing done at work, if I can help it. Even if there are things piling up, I will take care of me. I will eat well. I will sleep at night. I will keep a sense of humor. Lab meetings might be at the bar occasionally because the only time everyone was available was 4pm on Friday's. And that's 5:00 EST. I'm going to take a page from a prof at UA who always said "Work hard, play hard, sleep well." And I'm going to blog. Because it makes me happy too, even if I have no idea if anyone's reading. I guess that's like the "dance like no one's watching" thing - blog like no one's reading? Anyway, it's a new fall, a different way of thinking, and a lot to be thankful for.
So, spring was spent kinda taking it easy. Summer has flown by. Ian started pre-school! Pre-school! His first day was harder for me than him, that's for sure. His last day with Sarah was incredibly hard for me, surprisingly. He had been going to her since he was 6 weeks old! Her family had become an extended part of our family. Then I had to remind myself that it wasn't like they were moving. We live 1.5 miles away from each other. Play dates will happen! Fortunately, Ian LOVES school. I can't ask fro more than that. Dave is doing well. Life is good.
The highlight of our summer was a trip to Jamaica. It was our first vacation that didn't involve visiting family in 5 years. It was cathartic. That sounds stupid and melodramatic, but it was. I had been thinking about the fall semester, which is always nuts, only this time I have 86 people, not 70 in A&P and I'm teaching toxicology for the first time ever. Oh yeah, and I'm going up for tenure and this year I will probably switch my research model. So, you know, a few irons in the fire. And, like usual, I was worried about how to do all this and keep my sanity. But if last fall taught me anything, it's that life is way too short to spend all of it stressed out. Jamaica taught me that cocktail hour before dinner is a good idea. Even if there's no alcohol involved, taking a few minutes to relax before dinner and talk a little about the day is nice. Or don't talk. Just take a few minutes and unwind. This summer I started singing in Sacred Heart's gospel choir. It's a once a week committment that is all for me. It's fun. It's hilarious. It's not taking yourself so seriously. And no matter how busy this fall is, I will continue to go because it makes me happy.
So this semester, I am determined. I am determined that I will not pass up a fun opportunity to spend time with Dave and Ian in favor of getting just one more thing done at work, if I can help it. Even if there are things piling up, I will take care of me. I will eat well. I will sleep at night. I will keep a sense of humor. Lab meetings might be at the bar occasionally because the only time everyone was available was 4pm on Friday's. And that's 5:00 EST. I'm going to take a page from a prof at UA who always said "Work hard, play hard, sleep well." And I'm going to blog. Because it makes me happy too, even if I have no idea if anyone's reading. I guess that's like the "dance like no one's watching" thing - blog like no one's reading? Anyway, it's a new fall, a different way of thinking, and a lot to be thankful for.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Those who can't do, teach...wait a minute
I wasn't sure what to write about this week. I could write about how I've been feeling like lately that I'm burning the candle at both ends pretty hard, but my commitments are set for the semester, so I just need to get over that feeling and deal with it. So, in the spirit of positive thinking and not wanting to sound whiny, I thought I'd write about teaching.
I've never understood the phrase "Those who can't do, teach." Makes no freaking sense. To teach someone else something, you have to be able to understand your subject pretty darn well. I think there are huge misconceptions about teachers at any level. I can't really speak for K-12, but as a university professor, I very much feel like people think that we're a bunch of lazy, overpaid bastards who work 12 hours a week (12 hours is a full load in my department at ESU) and sit up nights thinking of ways to fail people. Let me enlighten you - I'm not overpaid, I could make far more in industry than I do now. If you broke down the actual workweek of most of my colleagues and figured out our average hourly wage, if would be ridiculous. Like, ridiculously low. So why do it? Because there's nothing else like it.
This semester has been crazy busy, to say the least, but it hasn't gone unrewarded. I've had some amazing moments. I have a Monday night hour in my A&P course, and since it's at night, we can go longer than 50 minutes if people want to. One night we were reviewing muscle contraction (which has a lot of steps) and I'd explained it about 4700 different ways trying to make them understand it (biology isn't just memorizing a bunch of crap, BTW, I really, really want people to understand what they're learning). Finally, the students looked at me and several of them started saying, OMG, we get it! And then started coming up to the board where I'd drawn things out and tried to explain it to me (and they were right). Have you ever explained something to someone and seen the lightbulb go on in their head? They're excited, you're excited. Pretty damn cool feeling.
I have about 55-60 people in my class, but I'm trying to learn all their names and one of my goals every semester, every class is that I want people to feel comfortable. I want them to freely ask questions, I don't want them to feel like they can't talk to me. This week in particular, I had a first. A student came to me asking about study tips, which happens a lot. We were talking, and they said that they felt like they knew the material until they saw the test, and then their mind went blank. So we talked about test anxiety and I gave them my best tips that I normally give everyone who asks. Then they asked if there was anything else. I NEVER bring up religion with my students, unless I've literally bumped into them at church and we comment on Father Rich's sermon or something. For one, I'm private about it, and two, I teach in a public university and I teach science, not religion. But I took a deep breath and told them that I didn't know what their religious beliefs were, but that in grad school I prayed before every exam I took. Nothing long or drawn out, just a short, 2 second affair asking for guidance and peace. Well, ok, and an A. :) The student smiled at me and said that they'd never really thought about doing that, but that their dad was a minister and they were religious and would definitely try it. I'm extremely open with my students about my medical history (I teach A&P after all!), but that was the first time I felt like I'd really shared something deep with a relative stranger. But I felt like I'd helped, and that was pretty cool.
So, it's a total cliche' to say that you do something (it's a joke on med school applications) "because you want to help people", but that really is a big reason I enjoy teaching. I love getting to know my students. I love seeing the lightbulb go on. And, let's face it, my multimillion dollar salary and my unbeatable, 12-hour workweeks don't hurt either. ;)
I've never understood the phrase "Those who can't do, teach." Makes no freaking sense. To teach someone else something, you have to be able to understand your subject pretty darn well. I think there are huge misconceptions about teachers at any level. I can't really speak for K-12, but as a university professor, I very much feel like people think that we're a bunch of lazy, overpaid bastards who work 12 hours a week (12 hours is a full load in my department at ESU) and sit up nights thinking of ways to fail people. Let me enlighten you - I'm not overpaid, I could make far more in industry than I do now. If you broke down the actual workweek of most of my colleagues and figured out our average hourly wage, if would be ridiculous. Like, ridiculously low. So why do it? Because there's nothing else like it.
This semester has been crazy busy, to say the least, but it hasn't gone unrewarded. I've had some amazing moments. I have a Monday night hour in my A&P course, and since it's at night, we can go longer than 50 minutes if people want to. One night we were reviewing muscle contraction (which has a lot of steps) and I'd explained it about 4700 different ways trying to make them understand it (biology isn't just memorizing a bunch of crap, BTW, I really, really want people to understand what they're learning). Finally, the students looked at me and several of them started saying, OMG, we get it! And then started coming up to the board where I'd drawn things out and tried to explain it to me (and they were right). Have you ever explained something to someone and seen the lightbulb go on in their head? They're excited, you're excited. Pretty damn cool feeling.
I have about 55-60 people in my class, but I'm trying to learn all their names and one of my goals every semester, every class is that I want people to feel comfortable. I want them to freely ask questions, I don't want them to feel like they can't talk to me. This week in particular, I had a first. A student came to me asking about study tips, which happens a lot. We were talking, and they said that they felt like they knew the material until they saw the test, and then their mind went blank. So we talked about test anxiety and I gave them my best tips that I normally give everyone who asks. Then they asked if there was anything else. I NEVER bring up religion with my students, unless I've literally bumped into them at church and we comment on Father Rich's sermon or something. For one, I'm private about it, and two, I teach in a public university and I teach science, not religion. But I took a deep breath and told them that I didn't know what their religious beliefs were, but that in grad school I prayed before every exam I took. Nothing long or drawn out, just a short, 2 second affair asking for guidance and peace. Well, ok, and an A. :) The student smiled at me and said that they'd never really thought about doing that, but that their dad was a minister and they were religious and would definitely try it. I'm extremely open with my students about my medical history (I teach A&P after all!), but that was the first time I felt like I'd really shared something deep with a relative stranger. But I felt like I'd helped, and that was pretty cool.
So, it's a total cliche' to say that you do something (it's a joke on med school applications) "because you want to help people", but that really is a big reason I enjoy teaching. I love getting to know my students. I love seeing the lightbulb go on. And, let's face it, my multimillion dollar salary and my unbeatable, 12-hour workweeks don't hurt either. ;)
Friday, September 14, 2012
Meet Bob's new friend - Bobette.
This week, I've told two or three colleagues that if I'm not a chain-smoking alcoholic by Christmas, it'll be a miracle. This fall is kicking my butt, but I keep telling myself, hard work, big rewards. And candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. You know, for as much as I joke about drinking, I don't actually drink much, but it makes me feel better to talk about starting. You know, like some people say they're going to start a new diet? Start exercising? Me, I'm going to start drinking. Cheaper than a padded hospital cell. I can't complain too much. My schedule is nuts, but I'm not in the SAC office, having to be all touchy-feeling and pretending to be everyone's friendly neighborhood advisor. Woot!
Anyway, Bob got a brain (Bobette) on Monday. More specifically, I got a continuous glucose monitor. It took a year and three appeals to BCBS, but I got one. And let me tell you, it's fantastic. Fan-freaking-tastic. Seriously, life changing. So, this little gizmo has wires that I put in with a needle the size of a harpoon (amazingly, using the harpoon-gun-inserter-thingy, it doesn't hurt to put it in). These wires wet over the course of almost 24 hours with interstitial fluid and send signals to the transmitter plugged into it. The transmitterbeams me up scotty sends info to Bob, who displays a 3 hour graph and my current reading. So, by calibrating it periodically with fingerstick readings, it's pretty accurate. So far, it usually reads 2-20 points different from my meter, but that's nothing. It has algorithms that predict lows and highs, and I have alarms set to let me know when I'm low or (here's the amazing part) 15 minutes before I'm going to be low. The second night, I thought I had a fire alarm going off in my pajamas (it's LOUD) because Bob and Bobette decided that I was going to have an insulin reaction. My bloodsugar was 120 at the time, but I had double arrows pointing down. So I got up, ate a small snack and went back to bed. I got up the next morning with a bloodsugar of 100. People, do you know how amazing this is? Do you know what it's like to stumble out of bed in the middle of a great dream with a bloodsugar of 45, eat like you'll never eat again because all you want to do is feel better, then wake up higher than the Empire State building the next morning, feeling like complete crap? If Bob wants to scare the beejeezus out of me in the middle of the night to tell me to eat something now so I prevent all that later, I'm gonna listen. When I was pregnant with Ian, I had a reaction in the middle of the night with a bloodsugar of 32. I sweated so much there were drips on the kitchen floor. Dave got up the next morning and asked if we were attacked by bears because, strewn over the kitchen counter, were candy wrappers, Little Debbie wrappers, a peanut butter jar, a bottle of honey, half a loaf of bread, and some cracker remnants. Not kidding, even a little bit. Don't feel sorry for me for a second, though. I wake up. Not everyone does and I've known several people who have seizures because they don't wake up, so I consider myself damn lucky.
Mom pointed out something that I thought the second wonderful day with Bobette. "Your pregnancy would've been so much easier with one of those." Oh hell yeah. And the bloodsugar nazis recommended that I consider a pump. But at the time, I had no idea CGM was a possibility, I had hated my last pump, and I was a hot hormonal mess. I believe my reaction was to burst into tears and to ask Chris if that meant the nurses didn't think I was doing a good enough job on shots. Geez. I look back on my pregnancy with awe, wonder, and laughter. It was the best, most precious experience of my life, but damn, could I have cried a little less? For the record, I shut the door to my office one day and sobbed hysterically to Dave (who thought I was having a miscarriage or something) that "I had a freaking Ph.D. but I was hungry and didn't know if I could have a snack because my bloodsugar was high." I also cried because I had to eat a bedtime snack every night and I had gastroparesis really bad and was still super full from dinner that wouldn't digest (I believe that I was holding a corndog and making it soggy with my crying at the time). Everybody has their funny pregnancy stories. :)
But so far, this is seriously the most life-changing piece of technology that I own. I thought I could love no device more than my iPhone, but Bobette has knocked the iPhone down one notch. I feel so happy that BCBS decided to cover the cost because like all good medical technology, this ain't cheap. I feel like writing them a personal letter thanking them for realizing that Jesus was not going to give me a new pancreas no matter how much I prayed, exercised, or promised to stop eating potato chips. Just joking - I never actually promised anyone that I'd stop eating potato chips. Anyway, on to achieving my semester goals, like becoming a chain-smoking alcoholic, with Bob and Bobette. :)
This week, I've told two or three colleagues that if I'm not a chain-smoking alcoholic by Christmas, it'll be a miracle. This fall is kicking my butt, but I keep telling myself, hard work, big rewards. And candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. You know, for as much as I joke about drinking, I don't actually drink much, but it makes me feel better to talk about starting. You know, like some people say they're going to start a new diet? Start exercising? Me, I'm going to start drinking. Cheaper than a padded hospital cell. I can't complain too much. My schedule is nuts, but I'm not in the SAC office, having to be all touchy-feeling and pretending to be everyone's friendly neighborhood advisor. Woot!
Anyway, Bob got a brain (Bobette) on Monday. More specifically, I got a continuous glucose monitor. It took a year and three appeals to BCBS, but I got one. And let me tell you, it's fantastic. Fan-freaking-tastic. Seriously, life changing. So, this little gizmo has wires that I put in with a needle the size of a harpoon (amazingly, using the harpoon-gun-inserter-thingy, it doesn't hurt to put it in). These wires wet over the course of almost 24 hours with interstitial fluid and send signals to the transmitter plugged into it. The transmitter
Mom pointed out something that I thought the second wonderful day with Bobette. "Your pregnancy would've been so much easier with one of those." Oh hell yeah. And the bloodsugar nazis recommended that I consider a pump. But at the time, I had no idea CGM was a possibility, I had hated my last pump, and I was a hot hormonal mess. I believe my reaction was to burst into tears and to ask Chris if that meant the nurses didn't think I was doing a good enough job on shots. Geez. I look back on my pregnancy with awe, wonder, and laughter. It was the best, most precious experience of my life, but damn, could I have cried a little less? For the record, I shut the door to my office one day and sobbed hysterically to Dave (who thought I was having a miscarriage or something) that "I had a freaking Ph.D. but I was hungry and didn't know if I could have a snack because my bloodsugar was high." I also cried because I had to eat a bedtime snack every night and I had gastroparesis really bad and was still super full from dinner that wouldn't digest (I believe that I was holding a corndog and making it soggy with my crying at the time). Everybody has their funny pregnancy stories. :)
But so far, this is seriously the most life-changing piece of technology that I own. I thought I could love no device more than my iPhone, but Bobette has knocked the iPhone down one notch. I feel so happy that BCBS decided to cover the cost because like all good medical technology, this ain't cheap. I feel like writing them a personal letter thanking them for realizing that Jesus was not going to give me a new pancreas no matter how much I prayed, exercised, or promised to stop eating potato chips. Just joking - I never actually promised anyone that I'd stop eating potato chips. Anyway, on to achieving my semester goals, like becoming a chain-smoking alcoholic, with Bob and Bobette. :)
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